Am I wasting my time with this guy?

Am I wasting my time with this guy?

I feel like I wasted a year and a half of my life. I was with a guy for 4 years who I thought I loved, even got his initials tattooed on my leg, and he dumped me out of nowhere. Then I met the guy I’m with now. He told me at 6 months that he loved me and that if we were still doing good a year into it, that he would propose. A year and a half later, anytime I’ve brought it up he completely avoids / changes the subject or makes up some stupid excuse.

Today I asked if he could see spending every day forever with me and he said he could… but we’ve been looking at houses since January. It just seems to me that he’s lazy. Like, he’s not against the ideas, but he just doesn’t want to put the effort into them. So I feel like it’s just never gonna get anywhere, and if it does, it’s all gonna be half-assed. I’ve tried to break up with him, but he [won’t accept it].

The last time we broke up he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He still just showed up and called and shit like nothing had changed, even though I ignored all of it for 2 weeks straight, he wouldn’t give up. I mean, maybe I’m being unrealistic. Eighteen months in and I’m expecting a ring (which I told him could be out of a quarter machine for all I care. Until we’re married it doesn’t matter.) But he DID make that promise to me when we were at like, 5 months. He said ONE YEAR. We even both agreed that engagements aren’t permanent and that it’ll probably be another 3-6yrs before we get married. Am I just asking too much of him? Jenn.D

You’re not asking too much of him. I think when you’re in a relationship, it’s perfectly reasonable to let your partner know your expectations and to make a plan. The fact that he’s avoiding the topic when you both agreed on a timeline is a big fat red flag though. Because in the end, it’s really you who loses out, isn’t it?  I’ve heard from so MANY women who’ve been in this position. I’ve been one of them. And I’d wager that if the guy is ambivalent now about the state of your relationship, he’s not going to get with the program anytime soon. He’s coasting, and that’s how he likes it – regardless of your feelings.

I think you need to be very direct with him this time. You need to sit him down and say something like, “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I think it’s fair to let you know that I have some pretty major reservations about our future. I love you, I’ve always been honest about my expectations and my desire to marry you, but after 18 months together I just don’t believe we’re on the same page anymore. It breaks my heart to end things, but I want to be with someone who wants what I want.”

See what he says. If he gets mad or is still dodging the topic after that speech, you’ve got your answer. He’s not ready. He may never be. I know it’s hard, but life’s short, Jenn. Think seriously before you waste any more of it.

Love, reality chick

Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

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