Boyfriend won’t go down on me. Like, ever.

Boyfriend won’t go down on me. Like, ever.

OK, this is a delicate one … but something I’d like advice on. I’ve been with my guy for over two years. We have a pretty good sex life, and he’s really lovely, but in that time he’s gone down on me twice. Twice, in two years seems like a very low average, especially when I’m quite generous about going down on him. How can I get him to return the favour? Anon

Some guys love going downtown. Can’t get enough of it. Others, meh, it leaves them cold. There’s not a whole lot you can do to change the fact that your guy doesn’t like muff diving. It’s just not his thing. Goddamn it, don’t you wish they’d put that on their dating profile?

Lack of oral is problematic for most women. Because it’s awesome. And it’s even more awesome when a guy clearly enjoys this sex act and does it without any ado. I’m guessing those two times he did do it, you were squirming and wishing it were over, because he was clearly not into it? I know some women who would walk from a relationship without oral, but that’s pretty extreme, especially if the rest of your sex life is solid and he’s a lovely bloke in all other respects. You could try getting a Brazilian wax (if you’re of the hirsute variety), you could flat out ask him to service your needs a little better (might not work, but you could try) or you could simply go on strike in the BJ department. Perhaps, after a few months, he’ll understand how it feels to have this delectable side dish taken off the menu.

Love, reality chick

First published in 2011 
Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Natalie 3 months ago

    I stopped giving my boyfriend oral because he won’t give it. I am starting to hate him. I am getting turned on by from just looking at other men because I don’t enjoy sex with him. We ready talked, he said he didn’t like it but is fine with getting it. I have become increasingly disgusted by his body.

  2. Kasi 8 months ago

    I’ve stopped giving mine blow jobs… Had the talk with him about going down on me… He still doesn’t do it. Sex is pretty boring, but we’ve been together for two years and have two daughters… Don’t know what to do… I’ve thought of walking away

    • Frustrated and confused 5 months ago

      It sounds like you’re describing my life to a tee! I’ve been with mine for 2 years with 2 daughters too. It got to the point I had a huge meltdown due to our sex life and his reluctance to talk about it, especially when for 3 months he would get off and go to sleep. I’m getting to the point of stopping giving bjs too. Especially when I’m asked and oblige multiple times a week and when I ask for anything in return (yes, I have to ask! Otherwise he just goes to sleep) I’m reluctantly given his fingers. It makes you feel so unwanted, unattractive and undesirable. Most things in the rest of our relationship are good but there is definitely more tension and arguments these days. I find it difficult because I was married for a very long time previously, things weren’t good in that relationship but our sex life was good and we both always made sure we satisfied each other. It seems like something in a relationship is always broken.

  3. FunkyTomo 2 years ago

    Part 2 –

    ( Submitted below before id finished!!! Damn!)

    So , yes I have started seeing this man again , We have loads in common and get on really well. We have a very close solid friendship which I know is a good basis for a relationship , and we are into each other sexually too. He confessed to me a few weeks ago that he has very strong feelings for me and wants to be with me. ….That’s all good , but the one thing bothering me is the OCD issues that prevent him going down on me .

    He explained all about the OCD and how it affects him in this way. I asked him to try and work to get through it and then we can both enjoy better sex life. …… I started by working on the “why he does not like to recieve” . He says it is because he is put off the thought of kissing me after ( he likes a lot of kissing in sex) , so a BJ as foreplay would mean no kissing in the main act , hence he would rather go without. I explained that as he is uber clean , there will be no taste on me for him to notice ?? He said ” doesnt matter , it would still be in my head”. And of course when he gets these bad OCD ideas in his head , it affects his erection. ( Which i do not want!!) . . . I came up with the idea of me doing oral on him using a fruity condom , so the only “taste” he will get is that , psychologically I think this may work as there is an actual “barrier” there , Im hoping this will help him and his OCD.

    ( For the record , he does enjoy the physical sensations of receiving oral , but the OCD takes over , he let me do it for about 3mins the first time we were together , before stopping me and saying that “it was something he didnt do” , confused the hell out of me because I could tell he was enjoying it)

    Im trying out the condom tomorrow eve……My next step will be suggesting if he could try going down on me using a dental dam…… Or me been bare/dam-less , but him just seeing if he can give it a few pecks ( like a peck on the cheek type kiss) ., with no pressure to do anymore , and see if he can stand it without the OCD / past horrors taking over and him freaking out.

    I write all this as maybe some of these guys do have Dyspraxia / OCD / similar.

    I used to get annoyed with this guy over these issues , but its so much better now I know WHY he is like this. EG – When he first told me the story about the “smelly girl first time” I said I sympathised , BUT we have all had a bad experience with unhygienic people at one time or another , and maybe its time for him to man up / grow up and try and “get over it”? It is not as simple as that for him unfortunately , but with patience and understanding of his quirks , he is has really come out of his shell sexually with me. …Its mad to think that a year ago he would not even touch or look at me “down there”. He could penetrate me , and I found it odd that he did’nt want to look at where he was putting it so to speak ! Now he is over that , now he is more comfortable with me. He now enjoys the look and feel , and he can make me orgasm very well by using his fingers. A year ago the thought of him putting his fingers inside would send him into a near panic attack !!! Lucky for him he is quite well endowed so straight up sex is very satisfying for us both. I’m afraid to say that without that factor , I doubt myself and past GFs would have stuck around for so long , as so-so sex AND no oral WOULD BE a dealbreaker. He is the only man who has made me orgasm through penetration alone. ( A good thing eh!)

    He confessed to “loving me to bits” the other week , and has made plans to spend Xmas together etc….All the signs of a good relationship are there , he is a great guy too. Kind and a gentleman , intelligent , caring , compassionate and so on , but I crave oral ( giving and recieving ) so badly. I am hoping the “oral on him with a condom ” experiment goes well tomorrow eve , then I can gently introduce him to going down on me. I think one of the reasons he has grown to love me is because I’ve been understanding about his quirks.

    Fingers crossed eh !!

    And ladies , please look up Dyspraxia if your man shows OCD traits in the bedroom. It can really affect a persons sex life unfortunately , and many go undiagnosed. He didn’t know until he was in his late 20s. ( mid 30s now)

  4. FunkyTomo 2 years ago

    Maybe this guy has OCD or similar? A guy I know has this same problem….

    When I first slept with him I was shocked when he pulled me back from giving HIM oral !!! Unusual in a man that is , and I took it personally !! He then explained he doesnt do oral either way , and explained why.
    It all started when a girl with a hairy smelly vagina held him down and forceably sat on his face when he was in his teens. He managed to roll her off and was promptly sick. After that , for years he enjoyed sex with women but could only do intercourse , and not touch or play with a woman “down there” at all. He had been in 2 LTRs and I questioned how these women put up with that?? ( As I love foreplay and oral both ways, I couldnt imagine been in a realtionship without it ) He then explained that he did play with the 2 LTR ladies with his fingers “once he was comfortable with them” , but still no oral. Lucky for him these 2 ladies were not bothered by it and prefered “rough sex” in his words.

    Fast forward to now , and Im sleeping with this guy again after a break of a year ( I was with someone else) . W

  5. Kc 2 years ago

    I’m currently in a similar situation. My issue is that I’ve actually never had an orgasm through sex, only through oral. With my current current bf of 1.5 years I’ve had exactly 0 orgasms after he has gone down on me….8 times….Bearing in mind I give him a BJ at least every 2nd time we have sex, which is about twice a week (including when I’m on my period…..).

    I’m really REALLY frustrated and have told him a couple of times but nothing much has changed…..has anyone out there any suggestions???

  6. Mark Thompson 2 years ago

    I am male and I absolutely love the ‘tang of my girlfriends cave. I actually have to persuade her to let me stick my tongue in there! But the taste, the texture and the sheer beautiful work of art that is her entrance, I just cant get enough of it.

    Sometimes I get her so sensitive that she cant orgasm because the sensation is too intense.

  7. Gilda 2 years ago

    Definitely a dealbreaker. I’ve been in a similar situation. Keep it short and trimmed and yet the guy is still ‘so digusted’ or whatever that he can’t, yet he expects it in return. This is the absolute definition of an A-hole. Imagine the situation in reverse – if a girl had been with a guy for two years (or 6 months or whatever) and she had been receiving oral and he hadn’t gotten anything in return? It would never happen. NEVER. because standards are different. and you need to stick up for yourself. you go girl.

  8. Charli 5 years ago

    I have the same problem and its starting to get tedious I have now decided I am not going to give him BJs as its just not fair I tried things his way he wante to try other things and I was willing but when it comes to my pleasure its like he just isn’t interested as long as he’s satisfied that’s fine but I can’t help but think what about me? My bf just isn’t interested he just said he gets chlostrophobic and tells me to leave it whenever I try and talk about it I’m sik of the lack of communication and this is just about to put the cherry on top of the cake as I’m sick of being his “sex slave” when I get nothing in return
    My advice is to tell him to stick it if he won’t do it for you don’t do it for him if its ok for you to live without then it’s ok for him to go without 🙂

  9. gg41580 5 years ago

    Was wondering, is this different than “my girlfriend won’t do anal”? There are several comments about not engaging in an enjoyable sexual act being a deal breaker. Does this extend to anal sex, or is oral sex in its own separate category. And if it is, why? Should men be forcing themselves to do what they don’t like for their woman’s pleasure, but woman not feeling the same pressure?

    • j 3 years ago

      Anal is totally different because there isn’t a guy equivalent.

      The male equivalent of oral sex is a blowjob, thus reciprocation is kind of expected. Blow jobs are not pleasureable for women, they just want to make their guy feel good. Shouldn’t guys want to make their girl feel good too?

  10. christina 5 years ago

    This is one of those things thats best handled early on in a relationship. For me this would be a definate dealbreaker.
    Theres no way i would let a guy get away with selfishly refusing to take care of my needs and yet expect his to bre cared for.
    I understand that some guys just arent into oral but its oral sex isnt about the person giving it, its an action that is about pleasuring the needs of the person recieving it.
    What u really have to decide is how much this means to you. Are u willing to set aside your needs so he can selfishly have his own or are you important enough in the relationship and deserve the same pleasure and enjoyment.
    if hes a real man who loves you then he should be willing to happily supply oral to u on a regular basis.
    as for a guy being really into anal and whatnot that argument doesnt fly with me unless hes wiling to take it in the ass himself lol!
    For me the level of fairness and eqaulity as partners in an inimate reationship are also at stake. Imagine how it feels as a woman to be denied oral after giving. Being dimissed and rejected. The feelings of not being worthy of oral. This sefish bastard needs to be totslly cut off until he learns to keep up in the relationnship.

  11. Lola 6 years ago

    A dealbreaker? Not really… On the census? Kinsey and Masters & Johnson would have been delighted! Relationships = compromise, even in the bedroom? Very, very likely.
    There’s a nice little book called “She Comes First” that sheds light on the topic. I recommend it; it’s a great read! Talking about it with one’s significant other can work, in my experience, but not presenting the topic as a deficiency, but along the lines of “Darling, it would be fun if you went in for a ‘tour Down Under'”.
    What I wholeheartedly believe is that making a big issue out of ANYTHING, can result in putting the cart before the horse.
    On a different, more health related note, a slight vaginal discharge that we ladies don’t perceive, may hit our guy’s nostrils badly. Most men would find it highly embarrassing and complicated to voice any concerns about that. A visit to our GP just to make sure there’s no vaginal flora imbalances can also shed some light here.
    Last but not least, any couple’s sex life can change over time, and new sexual techniques may become more palatable for both. In any case, Anon, you can always play a little game of “my turn, your turn”. All the best.

  12. wackyjack 6 years ago

    haha kitty!!

    to anon, i was with a guy for 1.5 years, he had a sort of phobia (along with an OCD problem) and he never went down on me. i loved him so i thought i could live with it.
    anyway, we broke up (not because of that though) and i’m SOO glad i found a relationship (now my hubby) where he was enthusiastic about it!! didn’t realise how much i’d missed it!!

    it’s a tough one – i guess you’ve got to think is that the only issue or is it the icing on the cake for why he might not be right for you??

  13. kitty 6 years ago

    Maybe it should have been on the census!!

  14. Author
    reality chick 6 years ago

    Thanks for the comments gals – good to see a bit of a debate going on about this. Whaddaya reckon – shall we start a petition for RSVP,, eHarmony to include an oral sex section when you’re filling out your dating profile? Can’t hurt huh? Ha. 🙂

  15. AnonForThis 6 years ago

    This is a weird one, I have come across boyfriends in my time who were very anti the muff-diving and I do agree with RC – it’s no fun if a guy’s ‘going down’ and clearly doing it as a duty and not because he’s into it himself. Nothing could be less of a turn-on frankly.
    But then, I guess some women just want it and get turned on if it’s being done to them, but for me personally, if I know the guy I’m having sex with is not that into it and is just doing it to please me, I can’t get turned on by it. He has to literally want to go there, be rock hard at the thought of it and go there with serious enthusiasm for me to get my rocks off…
    Good debate though, thanks RC for opening up this little can’o’worms 🙂

  16. Kitty 6 years ago

    I agree with Kelly. It’s a tough one, but I think relationships are essentially about compromise… even in the bedroom!

  17. KellyT 6 years ago

    Not sure I agree that it’s a dealbreaker… if everything else is OK and the guy’s just not into it, then you have to accept it. You’re not going to get everything you want in a relationship – sexually or otherwise. I mean what if he’s REALLY into anal and you’re not? Shouldn’t be a dealbreaker. You just accept or work around these things.

  18. pollypringle 6 years ago

    I have one word for you Anon – DEALBREAKER!!!!

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