Boyfriend’s best friend hates me…

Boyfriend’s best friend hates me…

I‘ve been with my boyfriend two years, and one of his best friends has hated me for no reason whatsoever this whole time. The first time I met him, I was called a conceited bitch out of the blue, and every time I try to make conversation with him or attempt to build a friendship with him, he completely ignores me or tells me to shut up. Hurtful statements and comments about me have been posted on my and my boyfriend’s Facebook pages on many occasions also, more hurtful and rude as time goes on. None of my boyfriend’s other mates have a problem with me, and this unrequited hatred is really beginning to hurt quite a bit. No matter what I do or say, he is hell bent on hating me for no reason. It’s really beginning to get out of hand and put a strain on the relationship as my boyfriend would rather ignore the issue. Please help! Hannah

This guy sounds like a total jerk. Is he single? Maybe he resents you for taking up what he considers sacred ‘guy’ time. Whatever. Forget about extending the olive branch any further; dealing with juvenile drop-kicks like him requires the direct approach. We have a similar question this week in NW Magazine about a bullying mother-in-law and my response is pretty much the same here: nothing is going to change unless your boyfriend gets involved and asks his so-called friend what his big fat problem is. This guy doesn’t have to like you – it’s a free country – but the inexplicable warfare is not on. To be honest, I’m gobsmacked your boyfriend hasn’t dealt with this already. Ignoring the issue has just exacerbated it, as you say, and it’s mystifying that your boyfriend would calmly stand by while his mate calls you names and disses you on a public forum such as Facebook. Two years you’ve been putting up with this crap? With zero help from the guy you love? Screw that. He needs to grow a backbone, and fast.
Tell your boyfriend you want your relationship to work, but you need his help with this – and if he wants you to stick around, he’ll tell his friend to stick HIS opinions where the sun don’t shine. You know, like he should’ve done right from the start before this morphed into the festering situation it has now become. Good luck, Hannah. Let us know how it all pans out.
Love, reality chick


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13 Comments

  1. bethany headley 5 years ago

    how do i deal with my bfs friend who is always talking about me behind my back and my bf isnt steping in

  2. Caroline 5 years ago

    I have the same problem me and my boyfriends best friend got a long soooo sooo well but they moved intogether and i spend the first week by him every day after that he started hating me my boyfriend has steped in but he will be two faced infront of him he is so nice but they he will be so rude when he is away i hate it and i feel like this could end us?

  3. Jeanine 7 years ago

    OMG SISTER! At what point does this become an issue btwn your bf&you. Why is your bf not willing to end such a toxic friendship (FB BLOCK TOO!!!) w this creep and stand up for you w full force? The current state of affairs simply doesn’t support a sustainable union. Eventually it is inevitable that you will begin to harbor resentment towards your bf. There is no doubt that YOU deserve bf’s support on this issue. My situation is tame in comparison but regardless, we are both being treated unfairly fair&square. I am dealing with my bf’s of 22 mo (best?) friend& bully wife. They have decided to (first subtly now openly) boycott any activity with my bf I am going…YES!, my bf continues to make plans w his friend excluding me&bully wife has also introduced my bf to her single friendsontheirexclusivetogether! ALIENATE me from boyfriend(good job guys) because I feel so insulted and am ready to give up out of pain. Instead, I am starting to harbor resentment against my boyfriend for not standing up for me and the loving relationship we so desire.

  4. Deb 9 years ago

    Okay couple of possibles here. It could be that maybe your boyfriends mate is in love with your boyfriend. Check it out, next time you are all together – watch his eyes and body language when he is with your boyfriend. He could also have the hots for you and is madly jealous – check that out also. Or he is an emotional manipulator and makes everyone’s lives a misery to get what he wants. This last one, is something you, and you alone have to deal with. The ‘mate’ has no respect for your boyfriend either, (he hasn’t listened to and followed his friend’s wishes) so don’t feel guilty – superglue your guilt metre on zero for this one (see link below) First, stop trying to befriend him, (honestly, why would you bother – stick him in your ‘mind cage’ and enjoy life!) but acknowledge him in a basic way – hello etc, after all, he does breathe:) If he says something nasty, look at him and say in a really pitying way – ‘oh isn’t it about time you grew up’? Or ‘you know this is getting rather boring – don’t you have anything new to say – those lines were used when I was in primary school’. Always say such comments with a smile. Or you can even agree with him! If he says you are a conceited bitch – laugh and state, ‘oh dear, you found me out’, or ‘if you think so’. Or, if you have the devil in you ‘conceited – yep, and I have every reason in the world to be – the most amazing man in the world loves me and I love him’. He is trying his hardest to intimidate you and this is a major power play. The one to try, if you are game is ‘you know, you really need to tone down the ‘hating me’ just a bit – people are starting to wonder if you have the hots for me and that you are madly jealous of (boyfriend)’ – you know how people are! He will try and make you feel guilty, inferior and in the wrong. I’ve had 30 years of a oh so sweet put down mother-in-law – now she comes to me for advice and compliments me all the time?! Stupid, but true – you treat these types of people like garbage, and they respect you? Weird! But I had to do it for my own self esteem. Remember – zero on the guilt metre. Sometimes it is easier to write ‘comebacks’ than say them (facebook), but I would probably unbefriend him, stating simply that he is boring, repetitive, negative and a waste of facebook space.
    If the group can’t/won’t get rid of him, whatever you do, act strong and ooze confidence around him. If you feel you can’t say anything, just look at him, (practise the pity look) shake your head, have a chuckle, then walk away, and then, let he and his comments go – release them. No matter how nice and sweet anyone is, how much they are in the right, or how much they do, there will always be someone who just doesn’t like them. It is their problem, don’t make it yours. Two things – remember the phrase – ‘I’m perfect – you adapt’ when dealing with him, and check out this link – so true and amusing to boot: http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm

  5. wackyjack 10 years ago

    Stop hanging out with him! Toxic friends like this guy are just so not worth it…people stay friends with people becuase of ‘history’ and whatever else, but if all the energy you spend around this guy is so negative, and it must affect your boyfriend too, then cut your losses and say goodbye. De-friend him on facebook, at group situations just be pleasant/civil, everyone will get used to it after a while.
    I’m sure they don’t think much of him for acting like that either.
    It might sound like “oh no we can’t do that”, but yes you can. Life is too short to be upset all the time. Good luck!

  6. KItty 10 years ago

    Your boyfriend could ‘defriend’ him??

  7. Hannah 10 years ago

    I’ve tried that before Polly, but it still doesn’t work. Im at my wits end with this guy, yesterday was my birthday and he wrote on my boyfriends facebook wall that I was a waste of time and money and that my boyfriend needs to grow a pair and break up with me even though were completely happy. Ive honestly never been so hurt by what someone has said, my boyfriend deleted the post, said it was rude and that he shouldn’t write things like that because I;ve never done anything to S, and S replied that he’ll stop bringing it up if my boyfriend stops saying he wants a future with me aka engagement down the track(like 5 years away). I have tried every single thing I can think of and that comment yesterday was the absolute last straw, badmouthing me on my boyfriends facebook when its my birthday is disgusting and absolutely hurtful. I can’t fathom what his problem is, and now HIS fiance is jumping on the bandwagon posting mean comments on his statuses about me. Im so tired of feeling upset about this, my boyfriend has tried to no avail and S’ attitude is absolutely pathetic. I really dont know what to do anymore, 🙁

  8. Polly 10 years ago

    Maybe it’s time to fight fire with fire then. I mean, if you’ve been so nice all the time and that’s not working, maybe you should confront him whenever he says something rude. Even if you’re in front of others. Like, openly saying, even a bit sarcastically, ‘yes, S, you’ve made it very clear how much you dislike me. Moving on…’ and just changing the subject. Too awkward? Maybe it’ll inspire others in the group to jump to your defense … It sounds like this guy is such a bully, you just have to match him. Bullies hate to be challenged and if others get involved he may back down???

  9. Hannah 10 years ago

    Yes he has but all he says is ‘ i just dont like her’ he never gives any reason, ive asked him myself too and thats the same answer i get from him. hes a real douche and its beyond a joke now, i really dont know what to do

  10. Polly 10 years ago

    If your boyfriend HAS stepped in in the past, has he actually asked the guy why he seems to have such a problem with you?

  11. Hannah 10 years ago

    He has stepped in previously, many times but nothing will stop this guy. My boyfriend has told him to not say anything but his mate, lets call him S says he doesn’t care what it does to him or me because he hates me, and nothing my boyfriend could or would say will stop it. He writes nasty statuses about me on his own facebook, and always has something to say about my opinions when Im talking to the group, puts me down in a group of people, and makes nasty comments to my boyfriend. I can’t understand why he hates me so much, as I have never done anything to him, I have tried to understand what his problem is but hes very ignorant and arrogant, and full of himself. He has a fiance and child so it isn’t an issue about me spending time with my boyfriend, and I really just don’t know what to do anymore. If he won’t listen to my boyfriend then it seems that nothing will stop it and its gotten to a point where it is beyond petty now and its really beginning to hurt me :(.His patheticness is beyond a joke and I don’t know what to do with it anymore, I’ve tried everything under the sun. Any advice?

  12. Lee 10 years ago

    You boyfriend SO needs to get involved. Um, caveman instinct anyone!?

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