I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, he is a wonderful guy and I am still very much in love with him. We have fun together and he is super nice to me. However I worry that there is no future for the two of us. Everyday I think to myself that he is not gonna wanna marry me, move out with me or any of that! I don’t know why, maybe its because he never discusses things like that, or it might be because he never really showed me that he appreciates me!
Like when we first started hanging out he never called me or asked me out. I always had to do it! Everything we have in our relationship I had to push for and can’t help but think he didn’t want any of it! We often have arguments because he can’t show his love towards me sometimes and I worry that these fights are going to break us up. Even though I love him I’m so scared of my future and I know he loves me but why is something missing? I don’t know what to do! Please help me… – Mini
Oh boy. Mini, but your guy sounds like a classic ‘coaster’ – someone who let you put in the leg-work at the start, and now has a cushy set-up in which the relationship pretty much operates on his terms. You’ve got to cultivate some impressive avoidance tactics for this kind of crap to work long term, and although you say he’s super-nice and fun to be with, let’s examine all the ways he’s also doing your head in: 1) he won’t discuss your future; 2) he can’t show love and 3) he doesn’t bother to make you feel appreciated.
Given those red flags, I’m as doubtful as you are that this guy is going to man up and stick a ring on your finger any time soon, much less agree to shack up with you and trawl the classifieds for potential love nests. Methinks it’s time for what I like to call The Scary Chat. Pick a quiet moment, tell him you need to talk, and be direct. Something like, “Babe, you know I love you. But we’ve been together a while now and I’ve noticed you’re hesitant to discuss our future. Am I right?” If he says he’s happy to, or something along those lines, ask him how he sees your relationship. Does he think about moving in together, or getting hitched down the track?
Tough questions I know, but geez, it’s been two years. You’re entitled to your dreams and deserve to know where you stand. If he wriggles, looks uncomfortable, gets mad or does anything else but give you serious answers you can work with, the time for thumb-twiddling is over, Mini. It’ll be sad at first, but if something’s not quite right you can do without the years of mental angst involved in trying to make it work. (Trust me on that one.) My guess is that there’s someone out there who is on the same page as you – but you’re not going to find him while you’re faffing about with Mr Not Quite Right.
Love, reality chick