Do I have a future with this guy?

Do I have a future with this guy?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, he is a wonderful guy and I am still very much in love with him. We have fun together and he is super nice to me. However I worry that there is no future for the two of us. Everyday I think to myself that he is not gonna wanna marry me, move out with me or any of that! I don’t know why, maybe its because he never discusses things like that, or it might be because he never really showed me that he appreciates me!

Like when we first started hanging out he never called me or asked me out. I always had to do it! Everything we have in our relationship I had to push for and can’t help but think he didn’t want any of it! We often have arguments because he can’t show his love towards me sometimes and I worry that these fights are going to break us up. Even though I love him I’m so scared of my future and I know he loves me but why is something missing? I don’t know what to do! Please help me…  – Mini

Oh boy. Mini, but your guy sounds like a classic ‘coaster’ – someone who let you put in the leg-work at the start, and now has a cushy set-up in which the relationship pretty much operates on his terms. You’ve got to cultivate some impressive avoidance tactics for this kind of crap to work long term, and although you say he’s super-nice and fun to be with, let’s examine all the ways he’s also doing your head in: 1) he won’t discuss your future; 2) he can’t show love and 3) he doesn’t bother to make you feel appreciated.

Given those red flags, I’m as doubtful as you are that this guy is going to man up and stick a ring on your finger any time soon, much less agree to shack up with you and trawl the classifieds for potential love nests. Methinks it’s time for what I like to call The Scary Chat. Pick a quiet moment, tell him you need to talk, and be direct. Something like, “Babe, you know I love you. But we’ve been together a while now and I’ve noticed you’re hesitant to discuss our future. Am I right?” If he says he’s happy to, or something along those lines, ask him how he sees your relationship. Does he think about moving in together, or getting hitched down the track?

Tough questions I know, but geez, it’s been two years. You’re entitled to your dreams and deserve to know where you stand. If he wriggles, looks uncomfortable, gets mad or does anything else but give you serious answers you can work with, the time for thumb-twiddling is over, Mini. It’ll be sad at first, but if something’s not quite right you can do without the years of mental angst involved in trying to make it work. (Trust me on that one.) My guess is that there’s someone out there who is on the same page as you – but you’re not going to find him while you’re faffing about with Mr Not Quite Right.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

4 Comments

  1. reality chick 11 years ago

    So true!! For me too 🙂

  2. Bubble Girl 11 years ago

    Yeah, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Oh well, I just tell myself that everything that has happened in the past has bought me to where I am today – and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else 🙂

  3. reality chick 11 years ago

    Hey BG… I hear ya. That scary chat is the WORST. I waited 4 years to have it – geez, if I had my time again!!! X

  4. Bubble Girl 11 years ago

    Don't do what I did – I was with my ex for 7 years and I couldn't bring myself to have the "Scary Chat" with him. In the second year we were together (we were in our early 20's, so quite young) I saw him freak out about his best mate getting engaged. I knew then that I couldn't ask him about the BIG M. I just figured he would sort himself out in his own time. I mean, we travelled overseas together, came back and bought a house together, a car, a dog . . . the works. But I still couldn't mention the "M" word.

    I took it for granted that was where we were heading. I should've trusted my gut. When I finally did ask him, in a totally off-hand unplanned conversation if I was the love of his life, he just replied that he didn't know. WTF??? After 7 years, you don't know??? We broke up about 9 months later.

    But looking back now, I wish I hadn't wasted so much time on him and had had that conversation much earlier. Would've saved me many years, and much heartbreak. The most revealing thing he ever said was when his best mate asked him about what a big move it was buying a house with me and how he felt about it – his reply "well, I can't see any reason why not".

    Whatever buddy, as I've said since, you've always just been a passenger in the vehicle of life. Never the master of your own destiny.

    You deserve something better – you deserve to be with somebody who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them and is prepared to make an effort. And after 2 years, it is entirely reasonable that you have a discussion about where the relationship is heading. If he can't or won't step up to the plate, as hard as it is, it might just be best to reevaluate your options and move on to somebody who is totally in to you!

    Hugs xx

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