I’ve been seeing a sweet, generous, all round good man for several years. Living together for the past year. While I love him, I have never felt he is my soul mate or felt a strong connection to him like that. When we first got together I never thought things would develop so far and I wasn’t sure if he was the one for me (still not sure!), but life rolls along like it does and convenience and companionship has led us to where we are now – living together, and pretty happily at that.
While he is a wonderful companion I find myself longing for a greater connection, and I am not even sure why. He’s very kind and considerate but also reasonably quiet and does not fulfil the desire I have on some level for intellectual stimulation. On the other hand, he is a very good man, we get on well and we want the same things out of life – like buying a house and having kids (which is why I am writing, we have started to discuss these things and I am wondering whether I should go any further when I have doubts about the relationship). I know he loves me unconditionally and part of me feels I would be silly to throw this away and I am expecting far too much, then another part of me feels that something is missing and there is someone else out there for me. Is this normal? Can you offer any advice? Confused
Talk about a quandary. I’ll boil your letter down in a simple formula: Lovely bloke + no spark + restlessness = unhappy. First up – let’s talk about that fizzy, squeeee! feeling you get with someone that makes you feel connected and drawn to them. That lights your fire, baby. It’s glorious and should be bottled and sold. It’s that (plus an intellectual and physical attraction and compatibility) that makes us want to fly to Venice, hop onto a gondola and be serenaded while doves fly overhead and our beloved tickles our neck. I think any relationship that doesn’t have that feeling – or at least used to have it – is on shaky ground. It’s missing in yours, and that’s a big concern.
I can see how you might have let things develop towards a live-in relationship – he sounds a total sweetie. But just wanting the same things in life and being good housemates doesn’t qualify you for life partner status, nor does it make you the ideal partnership for parenting. I say this mainly due to the series of doubts you have for your relationship and its future right now. Reach down – feel your feet – they’re ice cold, aren’t they? Well now, imagine you’re tending to a grubby toddler and perhaps a needy infant. If your luke-warm relationship develops any further you are going to have far more trouble extricating yourself from this lovely, but Not Quite Right For You man. he’ll be your baby daddy and there will be kids involved. And those suckers are for keeps.
My hard, honest advice? Listen to your doubts. They are screaming at you. Have that awkward, heart-wrenching conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him everything that’s in your heart. Tell him you’re not sure. That something is missing for you. Tell him how you feel before you find yourself tethered to a 4WD and a house in the suburbs with a man that doesn’t make your heart sing and never has.
Love, reality chick