Do I really need that loving feeling to be a mum and a wife?

Do I really need that loving feeling to be a mum and a wife?

I’ve been seeing a sweet, generous, all round good man for several years. Living together for the past year. While I love him, I have never felt he is my soul mate or felt a strong connection to him like that. When we first got together I never thought things would develop so far and I wasn’t sure if he was the one for me (still not sure!), but life rolls along like it does and convenience and companionship has led us to where we are now – living together, and pretty happily at that.

While he is a wonderful companion I find myself longing for a greater connection, and I am not even sure why. He’s very kind and considerate but also reasonably quiet and does not fulfil the desire I have on some level for intellectual stimulation. On the other hand, he is a very good man, we get on well and we want the same things out of life – like buying a house and having kids (which is why I am writing, we have started to discuss these things and I am wondering whether I should go any further when I have doubts about the relationship). I know he loves me unconditionally and part of me feels I would be silly to throw this away and I am expecting far too much, then another part of me feels that something is missing and there is someone else out there for me. Is this normal? Can you offer any advice? Confused

Talk about a quandary. I’ll boil your letter down in a simple formula: Lovely bloke + no spark + restlessness = unhappy. First up – let’s talk about that fizzy, squeeee! feeling you get with someone that makes you feel connected and drawn to them. That lights your fire, baby. It’s glorious and should be bottled and sold. It’s that (plus an intellectual and physical attraction and compatibility) that makes us want to fly to Venice, hop onto a gondola and be serenaded while doves fly overhead and our beloved tickles our neck. I think any relationship that doesn’t have that feeling – or at least used to have it – is on shaky ground. It’s missing in yours, and that’s a big concern.

I can see how you might have let things develop towards a live-in relationship – he sounds a total sweetie. But just wanting the same things in life and being good housemates doesn’t qualify you for life partner status, nor does it make you the ideal partnership for parenting. I say this mainly due to the series of doubts you have for your relationship and its future right now. Reach down – feel your feet – they’re ice cold, aren’t they? Well now, imagine you’re tending to a grubby toddler and perhaps a needy infant. If your luke-warm relationship develops any further you are going to have far more trouble extricating yourself from this lovely, but Not Quite Right For You man. he’ll be your baby daddy and there will be kids involved. And those suckers are for keeps.

My hard, honest advice? Listen to your doubts. They are screaming at you. Have that awkward, heart-wrenching conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him everything that’s in your heart. Tell him you’re not sure. That something is missing for you. Tell him how you feel before you find yourself tethered to a 4WD and a house in the suburbs with a man that doesn’t make your heart sing and never has.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. bron 6 years ago

    This is a hard one.

    You’ve drifted into this relationship and now you are having second thoughts.

    It’s easy to get out of right now as there are no kids complicating things, so i really think you need to discuss your doubts with him. Without being cruel. If nothing else, he deserves better than that. Don’t knock this good guy down.

    But remember, while you don’t feel that zing when you are with him, is there any guarantee you would feel that zing with someone else?

    Don’t walk out on this only to find you regret that decision later. Have a good, hard look at what you have. Some of us will never get what you have right now.

  2. Lola 6 years ago

    Mr Good can be no good, but Mr Right might… There are heaps of “good people” in the world, but you wouldn’t dream of entering a relationship with them. There has to be “something else”, and that something else can be different for each and every one of us. Doubts and confusion are strong indicators of something that isn’t quite OK in your relationship. I suppose that all those conversations about a shared future must have sent all those alarms buzzing, and rightly so. Being honest and upfront can go a long way. Take care.

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