Found condoms in my husband’s pocket…

Found condoms in my husband’s pocket…

I have been with my husband for 21 years and we have 2 children. I recently found condoms (which we have never used) in his pocket. When confronted, he told me he hasn’t cheated on me and they were for ‘just in case’. He then said it was all my fault because sex with me is boring and almost non existant. He obviously doesn’t want to fix this problem and did nothing recently when I was hit on by a bloke at our local pub. Any advice? I am 43 yo. Angryhurtmum

Two kids and 17 years of fidelity and you get to uncover a pack of condoms in your hubby’s washing pile. Jeeze, talk about a smack in the face. You must be feeling rotten. Not only is it a complete betrayal of trust (even if he didn’t do anything) but he had the hide to suggest it was somehow your fault!

For the record – it isn’t your fault that he has been mentally playing hide the sausage and buying the prophylactics to back up his fantasies in real life. If your sex life needs spicing up, he should be trying to talk to you about ways to remedy the situation … off the top of my head I’m thinking a date night of two, a saucy weekend without the kids, trying some new positions. You’re obviously an attractive women with plenty of appeal (hello, you get hit on at local pubs) and as your hubby it’s his job to explore ways to enrich your sex life so you can find mutual fulfilment.

It’s your job, too, mind you. Neither you nor your partner can afford to get too lazy on the sex front. I recognise the sheer exhaustion of raising a family and working. But rumpy pumpy does have to be high up on the priority list if you’re going to feel that sense of connection and closeness only good sex can provide. So, what to do? First up: you need to find out the facts. Does he want to stay in the relationship? Is he prepared to work on the sex? Can you rebuild trust between you? (And this last one is the most vital). A trip or two to a counsellor might also be in order if you can get him there. If you can’t, it’s always worth going alone to help you come to terms with what you found and how you feel about it.

Love reality chick


Got a question for RC or the Manswers team? Drop a line in

the RC Question Box! (Questions may be edited.)
Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

8 Comments

  1. Louise 8 years ago

    Same things happen to me recently. The just in case reasoning is pathetic – if he didnt intend to use them then why did he have them in his pocket.

  2. Condoms 10 years ago

    I think you should really talk to your husband about it and sort out the problem if it could be solved, clearly he isn’t happy with the marriage, and if what he said was true, and he hasn’t cheated, there is still time to mend things, as there are two kids, and its not just you and him.

    But if nothing works you rather end it now then let it drag on, when he does eventually cheat, it would not only be devastating for you but also for you kids as well.

    Hope it helps

  3. Reality Chick 10 years ago

    Thanks for sharing your story Sally…I once did date a secretly gay fellow, but getting married is just not playing fair (to you, or his true sexuality) I’m actually starting to think I let this guy off the hook in this post. You could be right wackyjack!

  4. wackyjack 10 years ago

    Dear angryhurtmum,
    i’m really sorry to say this, but i think the reality would be that he has already used them? i just think he was being a coward and not confessing, but coming up with some sort of bizarre excuse like ‘just in case’?? does that mean he might ‘accidentally’ find himself in a compromising situation with another woman?

    you deserve better and his defensiveness and cruelty in trying to turn it back onto you is unacceptable. i think counselling is imperative, there is obviously a big rift. if you want to make this relationship work, then go together, if you just want some support while you’re considering your options, go alone.

    best of luck to you xo

  5. Bron 10 years ago

    I’m not as generous as RC – the question you need to ask yourself is whether he was likely to have a reasonable belief that she would check his pockets – for instance before washing the jacket – if so, he wanted her to find the condoms, and he is looking for a way out of the relationship whilst making her feel like shit.
    Personally, i’d be packing his bags, changing the locks and making him work to save the relationship if he wants to be in it. He needs to come crawling to her, not vice versa.
    He would never be able to get the trust back in my book.

  6. Sally G 10 years ago

    Same thing happened to me- found the condoms (which we didn’t use) in the coat pocket, in his overnight bag before he left for ‘conferences’ and in his bedside drawer. And I also got the lame line that it was all my fault because I wasn’t paying him enough attention! But we’d only been married 2 years, and I thought we were still in love! Hmmm Oh, and he was also looking at homosexual porn- and that was all my fault too?? We’re no longer together. I stuck it out for many years and kept up the facade that we were a normal hetero couple. Such a sad and sorry situation. He has many people fooled, but there are those out there who have discernment, and know that there’s something amiss. I’m not bagging gays, but really, if someone knows they are gay, then they should NEVER betray their partner by getting into a hetero r’ship. It’s been many years of pain for me. I have a great counsellor and wonderful, supportive church friends. I will survive this, and so will you. Don’t ever believe the lie that it is all your fault and that you’re not good enough.

  7. kate 10 years ago

    Omg, I would KILL my husband if I found condoms in his pocket. And as for trying to blame you – what a wanker. The question is not does he want to work on this relationship – but do YOU???

  8. pollypringle 10 years ago

    All good advice, RC, but AngryHurtMum could also consider hiring a private investigator.

    Call me cynical, but…

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*