My ex and I had a whirlwind romance, lived together for 11 months, he asked me to marry him after a few months and compared to my previous 8-year relationship before him, he was my best friend, partner in crime and just felt ‘right’. Then, he cheated on me with another girl a few times, and got her pregnant. He said he was stupid and selfish; the girl in question is intense, delusional, and has borderline mental issues. I broke up with him for 2 months and he was hanging out with her trying to get to know the potential mother of his child. It didn’t work and he couldn’t do it any longer as he didn’t feel anything for her.
Fast forward to now and we’ve been hanging out again – which started as sex, but has become more. He’s told me he loves me, would never cheat again, and wants to move interstate with me or overseas. He doesn’t want to be a part of this kid’s life (or the mother’s) as it wasn’t even his decision to have the kid, he only saw her for sex. He’s told her we’ve been seeing each other and wants to move away with me. But I don’t know if it’ll ever work and my friends and family would murder me if they knew. I don’t know if I can trust him or how we get past this, or if he’s really changed or just can’t be alone. I also don’t know if he just wants to control my life. He’s very impulsive, short tempered and jealous but says only I bring that out in him because he loves me so much? Please help me decipher this BS.
Do I stick to my original plan and move overseas when this kid is born and have that experience – or do I stay? When I was single I was with other guys on dates and it didn’t feel the same and we always thought about each other. I can’t help but think that means something. So how do I find out if this is actually worth it? Cait
It’s not worth it, Cait. On any level. No matter how much you think you love him or vice versa. Below in bullet points are what strike me as the biggest (but by no means only) red flags in your relationship:
- He put his dick in another woman while you’d been living together FOR LESS THAN A YEAR. Your partner in crime. Your best friend. The guy who was ‘so right’ for you.
- While sticking his dick in another woman behind your back, he got her pregnant.
- He now blames her for forcing him to become a dad (um, douchebag, condoms exist for a reason).
- His new master plan is to move overseas with you in order to dodge any responsibility to his kid (does that not bother you? Doesn’t exactly scream ‘keeper’ now does it?).
- He’s prone to impulsive, short-tempered and jealous rages. Worse, YOU’RE to blame for his impulsive, short-tempered and jealous rages, because he just ‘loves you so much’. (Come ON.)
- You worry that he may ‘just want to control your life’. (Even scarier.)
- Your family and friends hate his guts. (From the fringes, it’s easy to see what you perhaps can’t.)
If your intuition to get AWAY from this man isn’t screaming at you right now, please re-read that list of red flags. Read it 100 times if you need to. Read it until there’s no doubt in your mind that this is all shades of wrong, and then some. Read it until you KNOW the only way forward is to move without him, and delete him from your phone and your Facebook and any other social media, and to stick to it and not deviate or romanticise him or allow yourself to harbour silly lovesick notions that he is the only one for you. It’s time to start believing you deserve more, Cait – and actually holding out for it. Because you do.
Love, reality chick