He keeps choosing porn over me

He keeps choosing porn over me

My other half loves to watch porn, which is fine – what guy doesn’t. The problem? He watches it when I’m in the bedroom or at work. He won’t come onto me all week but he will do the job himself watching porn. I feel I’m not good enough. Am I over-reacting? Sammy

No, Sammy, you’re not, and your situation is becoming all too common, say experts. A recent study even found that a huge number of Aussie men were watching up to five hours’ of porn a day. Bewildered women like you, faced with a partner who prefers porn to the real thing, can easily feel like they’re ‘not good enough’, worry that their attractiveness is to blame, or that they’ve somehow failed to arouse their guy.

I’m not against porn per se. A lot of people watch porn – according to an ongoing University of Sydney study, 70 percent of men and 30 percent of women access porn online. It’s when the boundaries blur and porn use becomes compulsive that relationships can suffer. Or when porn becomes ‘normal’ and a guy wants what he sees on screen in the bedroom, and can’t get off without it. Whatever. It’s clear that porn addiction is rising. An honest account of what excessive porn can do to a young, healthy guy’s libido is documented in the excellent New York Magazine article by Davy Rothbart. Says Rothbart: “Porn is not only shaping men’s physical and emotional interest in sex on a very fundamental neurological level, but it’s also having a series of unexpected ripple effects—namely on women.”

I’d actually show this article to your boyfriend. It could be the lightbulb moment he needs. And his response to it – positive or negative – will give you some insight into where to go next. Hopefully, he’ll realise how much his porn use is hurting you and damaging your relationship, but cutting back (or seeking help from a professional if necessary) is a choice only he can make.
Ultimately, Sammy, this has to become about you, and valuing yourself enough that no one can make you feel unworthy or undesirable, especially the man you love. Doing this might mean walking out the door and leaving your porn-loving guy behind. But if he’s not willing to man up and make changes, it’s the only option open to you. I wish you all the best.

Love, reality chick


Got a question? Email askme@realitychick.com.au
or use the anonymous RC Question Box

Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

3 Comments

  1. Pat Riarchy 6 years ago

    Have you ever thought that you are a dud in the sack and he gets off on porn so as to have at least some sexual release? Maybe he likes everything else about you except your sexual hang ups.

    • Dani Smith 2 years ago

      then its his duty to say something. not ignore her and do himself. not every woman is a porn star in the sack. and neither is every man. maybe his problem is he’s so used to fucking himself to porn that an actual LIVE woman doesn’t work for him.

  2. D 8 years ago

    Sammy, I’m really sorry and I think RC is right that you are under-reacting. My ex husband had a porn addiction and ultimately it destroyed our marriage when I found out it had extended to prostitutes and affairs.

    I had the same attitude as you initially – all guys watch porn, don’t love it but it’s normal, fine, etc. Unfortunately, it turned out to be way worse than I realised and there was far more going on than just the occasional porn use. In a way, the fact he’s not hiding it may be a good sign that’s not the case – or it could be a sign he’s so far into it he doesn’t care enough to hide it. In either case, it’s clearly having a damaging effect on your relationship and you deserve a partner who can be intimate with you — not just a flat screen.

    Porn is like many potentially addictive substances (think chocolate, alcohol); many people can use it in a healthy way in limited amounts and it doesn’t interfere with their lives one jot. But like any addictive substance, when it’s interfering with your life – say, like damaging your intimate relationships – it’s a problem.

    Read up about sex addiction – it’s a very real thing and is ultimately an intimacy disorder – and ask yourself honestly if you think your boyfriend exhibits any of these signs. If you want to stay with him you at least need to have boundaries around his porn use – and a healthy sex life for the two of you – and you might want to consider some couples counselling.

    I feel for you – good luck!

    D

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