He makes zero effort. Do I hang in there and hope?

He makes zero effort. Do I hang in there and hope?

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. I’m 30 and he’s 37. For the first year, he still lived with his ex and son. And things have been rocky… always. Now he has his own place. We are long distance by three hours, and I drive down with my two boys every other weekend. He has been to my family functions, but I still have not met his son who he has all the time, and I haven’t met his family (although they aren’t close). He won’t even say ‘I love you’ on the phone to me if his son is in the room.

He said he’s not ready for us to move in together or get married. He hates my friends and my sister, who all feel the same about him. He never comes here to see me. He’s come twice in the last year and it’s the same excuse. I’m a struggling single mom who waits tables and he makes $50,000 a year, yet I’m sending him money to help him. We fight all the time and it’s my fault always (so he says). Do I stay and wait it out or go find happiness with someone willing to commit? What’s his deal? I am lost. Heather

You know, so many questions I receive I feel like the person knows the right answer deep down, but just needs someone else to say, ‘THIS. This is what you have to do, starting now.’ And today, I’m happy to be that person because Heather, your long distance relationship is a big old can of crazy and you need to get out of it like yesterday.

I mean it. Here you are putting in 90 percent of effort and getting pretty much zero back. He won’t bring you into his life. He hates the people you love and/or hasn’t tried to connect with any of them. He won’t take responsibility (arguments are all ‘YOUR’ fault). And he makes next to no attempt to see you. Frankly, I don’t see any of this changing ever and there’s no WAY you should be funding his life in any way or spending any more of your time driving hours to see him. So stop all of that right now.

Chances are there’s a part of you reading this and thinking, ‘But I love him!’ and ‘But I’ve invested so much into this relationship!’ and that’s okay. You have to mourn it, of course – but it doesn’t mean that you should stick around just because of how much time and effort you’ve put in. There are better men out there you could be meeting; men who’ll love you and commit to you and your boys without any of the crap you’ve come to accept as normal.

Bottom line: it’s high time you got off this hamster wheel of disappointment and heartbreak. And once you do it, I reckon you’ll be so, so glad you did.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

4 Comments

  1. LizzyLou 2 years ago

    Well said Rachel. This man will never make a commitment with you. Cut your loses and move on. take a holiday with your kids as a celebration of moving on. I suggest a cruise as you will be with other people and you never know just might meet some one there. You sound like a lovely lady and any good man would treat you with respect and mutual love for one and other. I hope you find love closer to home.

  2. Lisa 2 years ago

    Good response, RC. ‘Cause there’s not a hint of joy in her mail. She’s not said it’s a wild, fabulous time when they’re together. There’s not a hint of passion or love. She’s there in the relationship from habit, IMHO. Time to move on.

    • Author

      So true Lisa… NO joy. Total habit relationship. Those are the worst when they drag on for years. But like that saying goes, if there’s no good reason to stay…

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