I’ve been dating my present boyfriend for a little over a year. It was good at first but we’ve had issues recently. Firstly, when we were living in different towns, he’d make unfounded accusations of me sneaking around with someone else. He’d call from nowhere and accuse me of having someone in the house with me. He’s also very insulting when we fight. He would tell me my life got much better after I met him. Or that if I was that good I should have been married by now or to my ex. My ex cheated on me which led to the break up and he’s told me how ‘smart’ I was to have stayed with a guy who cheated on me on occasion.
Most of our fights erupts because of his approach to situations. Most of the time he tells me to leave the relationship if I am tired [of it]. How can a man who claims to want to marry me tell me this? Sure, I have outbursts sometimes cos his reactions always put me on the edge, and then I end up insulting him as much as he does me – but I’m not that person, and when I promised to stop I did. (He didn’t / doesn’t.) I have initiated ending the relationship several times but don’t because there’s always the promise things will get better. (They don’t.)
Presently I don’t know what I feel for him anymore. My fear is how long this cycle will continue for. He promise to work towards changing and I see some efforts on his part, but he just seems like he has no control over certain aspects of his behaviour. For me the passion towards the relationship drops with each negative encounter and we are supposed to be getting married in a couple of months. I presently live with him and it makes it even more difficult to just walk away. Lilian
It’s not, actually. When things are this toxic and a year in you’re not sure how you feel about your fiance (and you don’t mention the word ‘love’ once throughout your entire letter, which is kinda telling), the solution is pretty simple. You pack your stuff, find a place to go – even if it’s a friend’s couch – and you leave. Feel the fear and bloody well do it anyway. Because the only person who can break this negative, heartbreaking, passion-sapping cycle is you, Lilian.
You can’t make your fiance be less controlling and mistrustful, less hurtful when you fight or less inclined to goad you into leaving. You can, however, let him know that he’s absolutely right about one thing: you are sick and tired of trying to prop up this poor excuse for a relationship and you’ve decided you’re not going to take his crap anymore or wait around for changes that never happen. Probably around the same time you give the ring back (if there is one) and tell him the wedding’s off.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you look seriously into moving out and moving on asap.
Love, reality chick