I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and we live together. His mum used to do everything for him and now we’re living in my mum’s house while she is overseas for 2 years. He doesn’t need to pay rent, groceries, bills etc and as a full-time uni student (I’m also studying full time and working part time so I’m usually out of the house from 7am-7pm) he’s always home. Nothing is ever done. He’s done the dishes probably 3 times in our relationship, mopped the floor once and put on under 5 loads of washing. He complains he has no clothes and there are no clean bowls to eat from, but he’s the one who’s home all day! When I ask him to do something he always says that he can’t because he has to ‘study’ but when I get home he’s playing computer games. Every time I bring it up he never takes me seriously. I can’t see it changing. I picture us having kids and I will just be so annoyed every day because I’ll have to do everything.
Despite all this negative stuff, we do get along perfectly and he is my rock and I love him very much but I feel like my carefree personality is fading and I’m just becoming a stressed, negative person. It’s even coming to the point where it will take him months to go out with me, shopping or to dinner, because he ‘has to study’. I understand university is hard work but surely you can take one night off!? We went to the movies for the first time in like 5 months together the other night. Does anyone have any advice for me? I’m seriously stuck. Chloe
Reading your letter just makes me even more determined to teach my son about housework as soon as he’s old enough not to eat cleaning products. Seriously, mums who do everything for their precious boys may get warm fuzzies about spoiling them, but I bet if they knew how badly it would threaten their future happiness and relationships they’d be showing them how to use the iron and making them cook for the family once a week.
Because here you are, cohabiting with a guy you love who sits on his arse all day and literally cannot see the irony in demanding you produce fresh clothes and clean crockery on a daily basis. He actually thinks you should be at his beck and call and with that mentality I’m surprised you haven’t cracked earlier. I don’t know how much you discussed who’d do what before you moved in together, but a researcher on a recent housework study found that of the couples she surveyed, very few had had that conversation. Which meant many of the women ended up doing most of the chores to save hassle and arguments.
As for the never wanting to go out thing, well – that sucks. And no one needs that much study. (Something tells me he’s more reticent about leaving his computer games than his text books, though).
If I were you, I’d pack him off home to his parents’ place. It doesn’t have to mean your relationship is over (not yet, anyway), but it will eliminate the stress and resentment. It’ll also hopefully help him realise that when you fall in love with someone and move in with them, it’s a really bad move to treat them like your mother.
Love, reality chick