He’s not in love with me anymore. Am I mad to stick around?

He’s not in love with me anymore. Am I mad to stick around?

NEW Q: He's not in love with me anymore. Am I mad to hang in there?

I‘ve been in a long-distance relationship for over three years. For long periods of that time, my boyfriend and I have lived together in both countries, but then often have to spend months apart.

He originally said he could move here, but as the reality of the situation hit (leaving his home, family, friends, job), he became very stressed and said he didn’t know if he could do it. This dragged on for months before he said that maybe he’s not in love with me anymore.

I tried to be understanding, thinking that maybe the pressure had become too much as he seemed near breaking point, but I was obviously devastated. We broke up and had limited contact, but now he is being more communicative and we’ve been talking a few times a week. He still doesn’t seem to have any answers, but he also says he wants to try to make it work. I asked what is the point if he’s not in love with me. He said that maybe he feels that way because of the stress and fear of it all and just needs time to figure out his feelings.

Am I the world’s biggest idiot for holding out hope or do I need to cut him off? I already feel like I know the answer, but it’s hard to remove myself when he finally seems to be viewing things a bit more positively. Sad But Hopeful

You know, SBH, I get so weary hearing this story… About people needing time in a relationship. Wanting another few months to sort their feelings out. To make a decision. That time limit comes and hey, they just need a few more months, because, you know, they’re still not decided. Which leaves the other person waiting and wanting in a painful and probably undeserved state of limbo. That’s where you’re languishing right now; not from choice, but because he’s not sure what he wants and wants you to hang on in case he gets some kind of epiphany. And I say, with feeling if you could hear me, screw that.

You’ve invested a lot in this relationship so of course you’re heartbroken and hoping for the best. I would be too. So would many people. Granted, moving countries is a big decision. You would want to be very sure before you took the leap, but I’m guessing after three years this is something you guys have discussed in depth. The work he’d get. Where you’d live. Your goals for the future. But just when you were finally on the cusp of all of that coming to fruition, he pulled the rug out from under you. And months down the line, he’s not telling you anything different. He has no answers. He has no plan of action short of a kinda wishy-washy intention to ‘try and make it work’. And he’s still dithering over the biggest, most important factor of all in this sad scenario: whether or not he loves you anymore. FFS. Your heart’s had enough. Don’t let him stomp on it any longer.

You say you already feel like you know the answer, so I’m hoping that answer is something along the lines of cutting your losses and refusing to hang around any longer waiting for him to get his shit together. Because if he hasn’t got it together after three years, after different stints living together in each other’s countries, after now telling you that he needs to figure out his feelings and whether he loves you anymore, I’d hazard a guess that he’s not going to. And you deserve more for your life than spending it in his indecisive holding pattern. Wishing you all the very best, and please come back and let us know how it all works out for you.

Love, reality chick

RC readers, help! Is it time for this letter-writer to move on, or do you think there’s hope? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

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