My boyfriend takes anti-anxiety medication (he took it several years before I met him and we’ve been together for a little over a year). This has caused his libido to go way down. He said before he was on the meds he was extremely interested in sex. Problem is, I wasn’t with him at the time! So of course I’m riddled with jealousy at the thought of his ex-girlfriend and her good fortune to be with him while he was so interested in sex.
Now, he’s less anxious, but sex is far down on the priority list. We have sex maybe once every two weeks, oral sex more often. He’s reassured me it’s not my fault, and that he even doesn’t think about masturbating. But what about me?! It causes me to feel like I’m not desired by him and not attractive to him. I feel like if I discussed it more with him, I’d worry about him having sex more because he just feels guilty. Any advice? Nancy
Everyone’s got their ‘preferred amount’ of sex (twice a week for most Aussies, apparently), and it’s often a delicate balance keeping both partners happy – especially if you’ve got wildly different sex drives. Feeling undesirable when a lover isn’t up for it is completely normal, even though libidos wax and wane for many reasons and most of them have nothing to do with us (as you’ve found). Which will probably only be mildly reassuring, because – where to from here?
If I were you I’d find out more about his condition and the medication he’s on. Are meds an ongoing or temporary thing for him? Are there other medications he could try which might not affect libido so much? Has he looked into other non-medical anxiety treatments such as relaxation, cognitive therapy and behavioural / exposure therapy? Ultimately, I don’t think pussy-footing around the issue for fear of how you might sound or what he might think is going to get you anywhere. Be clear, be direct and be honest about how much you love him and value the sexual side of your relationship. Tell him while it may be a hassle looking into other options medically or otherwise, you want to know you’ve both done all you can to improve things.
Hopefully he’ll see the part he has to play and work with you on upping the frequency. If his attitude is more ‘sorry, babe but my libido is what it is’, then you have two choices: put up with the nookie status quo and make really good friends with a wicked vibrator, or decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. If it is, best to figure it out early, rather than after a few years and a much more deeper attachment.
I wish you guys lots of luck getting to a good place you’re both happy and satisfied in!
Love, reality chick