I have a question. I have been having some lying issues with my husband – and while I’ve told him everything you guys suggested in this Q&A he still continues to do it. He uses the excuse that he doesn’t want to deal with me getting upset if he wants to go out or have a drink at home. I’ve told him that I don’t care so much if he has a drink or two, but it hurts when he lies to me about it. He doesn’t know when to stop drinking either. Please help! Megan
Does he lie about anything else? Or just the drinking / going out? If it’s the latter it sounds to me like the lies are all tied up in his desire to get on the sauce without getting hassled. And there may be a dependency in there that he’s not willing to admit to or deal with, or care about (because he doesn’t think it’s an issue / he can handle it / etc etc). If he lies about EVERYTHING, it may be that the lying has become compulsive and addictive and he’s unable to stop doing it and even likes doing it. Which may be entirely harder to deal with. But anyhoo, here are some suggestions.
One strategy for dealing with little white lies is to pre-empt them before they happen (if you can predict them, and often they’re the same type of lie), which eliminates the person’s need to lie. So say, if he’s going out for a couple of beers but not telling you or giving you another excuse and you know he’s headed for the pub, just before he leaves the house say casually, “Heading out for a beer? Have fun! And can you remember to grab some some milk on your way home? We’ve run out.” It’s a non-confrontational, non-loaded way to let him know you don’t give two hoots if has a drink or two and there’s no need to fudge the truth about it.
If the lying is more of a chronic thing that’s really eroding the trust between you, I would focus on why he lied – rather than the fact that you caught him in yet another porky-pie, which will just make him feel attacked and stop any issues being dealt with. So instead of saying, “I know you hid that empty bottle of whiskey in the recycling. You’re an alky who needs rehab”, try something like, “Hey, I found the empty bottle of whiskey in the recycling. I’m bummed that you felt you needed to lie to me about it, but what bothers me more is that you drank it all in one night. Can we talk about your drinking? I’m worried about you”.
Hope these help, Megan.
Love, reality chick