How can I get my husband to stop lying to me?

How can I get my husband to stop lying to me?

I have a question. I have been having some lying issues with my husband – and while I’ve told him everything you guys suggested in this Q&A he still continues to do it. He uses the excuse that he doesn’t want to deal with me getting upset if he wants to go out or have a drink at home. I’ve told him that I don’t care so much if he has a drink or two, but it hurts when he lies to me about it. He doesn’t know when to stop drinking either. Please help! Megan

Does he lie about anything else? Or just the drinking / going out? If it’s the latter it sounds to me like the lies are all tied up in his desire to get on the sauce without getting hassled. And there may be a dependency in there that he’s not willing to admit to or deal with, or care about (because he doesn’t think it’s an issue / he can handle it / etc etc). If he lies about EVERYTHING, it may be that the lying has become compulsive and addictive and he’s unable to stop doing it and even likes doing it. Which may be entirely harder to deal with. But anyhoo, here are some suggestions.

One strategy for dealing with little white lies is to pre-empt them before they happen (if you can predict them, and often they’re the same type of lie), which eliminates the person’s need to lie. So say, if he’s going out for a couple of beers but not telling you or giving you another excuse and you know he’s headed for the pub, just before he leaves the house say casually, “Heading out for a beer? Have fun! And can you remember to grab some some milk on your way home? We’ve run out.” It’s a non-confrontational, non-loaded way to let him know you don’t give two hoots if has a drink or two and there’s no need to fudge the truth about it.

If the lying is more of a chronic thing that’s really eroding the trust between you, I would focus on why he lied – rather than the fact that you caught him in yet another porky-pie, which will just make him feel attacked and stop any issues being dealt with. So instead of saying, “I know you hid that empty bottle of whiskey in the recycling. You’re an alky who needs rehab”, try something like, “Hey, I found the empty bottle of whiskey in the recycling. I’m bummed that you felt you needed to lie to me about it, but what bothers me more is that you drank it all in one night. Can we talk about your drinking? I’m worried about you”.

Hope these help, Megan.

Love, reality chick

Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

2 Comments

  1. Desiree vital 1 year ago

    After reading this article I will try some of the suggestions but the harsh thing I call reality is that my husband lies about ALOT of stuff and I noticed he will even lie about things that don’t even matter. So idk what to do I love him but clearly he isn’t as in love with Me as he says cuz if he was he wouldn’t continue destroying the little trust I had left in him. Now it’s like I have to wonder about everything. How can I get the courage to leave him or get him to atleast try to rebuild trust? Any advice plz!

  2. Starwoman 2 years ago

    There is no such thing as a little white lie or a big black lie. A lie is a lie is a lie. A lie is false and a lie is the twisting of a truth any which way you see it framed.
    The smallest lie conceivable will do the greatest damage.
    If you have a friend or partner who lies in the slightest, who embellishes the truth, who conceal the intent behind the speech/act then there is ONLY ONE thing to do: Turn and walk away, shake the dust off your feet. There are still those people though be they rare who refuse to lie – refuse to twist the truth – you’ll find them if you stay true to yourself. They will find you. Honour the truth and those who refuse to even think a lie. They will honour you.
    Starwoman

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