I’m probably 3 or 4 months out from a particularly nasty breakup, and the day I left my girlfriend of nearly 4 years was very hard because I loved her unconditionally – only to find out some horrifying truths.
I found out (completely by accident) that she had been sending messages to a friend every time she was angry with me. So instead of talking to me she’d say ‘I’m fine’ and would shut me out. To add to that was her selfish attitude, the crying on demand, working all the time, talking behind my back and calling my plea for some of her time as ‘guilt tripping her’. I now see her for the person she really was as I genuinely blinded by love.
Anyway, fast forwarding, I don’t have any romantic feelings for her anymore but I do have a lot of inner rage that’s just dying to be let out. These things continue to hurt me and I don’t want to feel like this nor do I want to lash out at her because it’ll get me nowhere. I don’t know how to let go of my anger. (P.S. I haven’t lashed out at anyone else, it’s all internal or stress ball squeezing.) Mr Yellow
Dude, let it go. It’s time to let it go. I get that it’s hard. I understand that toxic, eat-your-heart-out, post-break-up anger. I’ve been there myself. You invested a heap of time and love and energy into this relationship and right now, it may seem like it’s all for nothing. But it’s not. The life lessons this woman has taught you are invaluable. It’s not a waste. If anything, it’ll help you hone a blueprint for future relationships and what you will and most definitely won’t put up with.
Another reason to let it go is because you don’t want it seeping into new relationships and clouding your perspective – that’s just shitty and unfair on any new partners. Some strategies? Write her a letter at our sister site, Lettertomyex.com if you haven’t already. Send it, don’t send it; it’s up to you – but offload all this toxic crap down onto the page instead of letting it fester in your head. Secondly, don’t allow yourself to spiral. Tell yourself you can be mad, but you’re only devoting 5 minutes a day of your time to those feelings. When they pop up at other times, you tell them to take a hike. Hit a punching bag during your 5 minutes if you have to – whatever works.
Just make sure you put a time limit on your rage (ie, ‘I will only be mad about this for five minutes a day and in three months I’m going to let go of this completely…’ for example) and slowly, slowly, it’ll start to dissipate. Other things will start to take over and your anger won’t seem so important. I also talk about getting over break-ups in our new book, Get Lucky – and I mention the number one book I love that I think really helps in getting over anger after a split. Check out our review here. And good luck. You sound like a guy who’s switched on about relationships and communication, and to the majority of women, that’s gold. The good news is you’re now free to meet one of them.
Love, reality chick