How do I tell him I can’t have kids?

How do I tell him I can’t have kids?

I’m engaged and have just found out that I will probably never have kids. I know my partner wants a big family, so I’m terrified about telling him. Anon

That is devastating news  and of course you must be nervous about telling your fiance. But give him some credit; this is a guy who wants to be with you for life, and he might surprise you. Marriage, after all, is about facing life’s curve balls together.

Sit him down, get the bottle of wine ready and take a deep breath. Tell him that you’ve been to a fertility specialist (or whoever it was) and that tests show your ability to get pregnant is in question. Add that you need to get a second opinion and would really love him to be there holding your hand.

If the diagnosis is correct though, you guys need to take the time to discuss your options. Adoption is of course one of them; so is becoming foster parents. The other alternative open to you is surrogacy. There are calls to make inconsistent surrogacy laws around Australia uniform, so you may wish to explore the laws in your state. Many couples also make commercial surrogacy arrangements in the US and India. The crux, of course, is that you can still be parents – even if it isn’t through typically ‘conventional’ routes.

You seem to be focusing on the worst case scenario – that your future hubby will want his own, biological children more than he wants to be married to you. If that did occur, then I’m not denying that the whammy would be  doubly devastating and I suggest you confide in some trusted friends and family members who can help support you at this time. A good counsellor wouldn’t go amiss either, just to help you process your own fears and feelings. But ultimately, you need to stop with the what-ifs and tell your fiance as soon as possible, so you can start making decisions on how you both want to move forward in the future.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

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