I broke up with my ex 18 months ago. We were together for two years, with a month’s break in the middle. He was my first boyfriend and I really loved him but his reason for both break-ups was that he wasn’t sure I was ‘the one’ (and in the end he was attracted to – and eventually slept with – a colleague).
After the breakup I told him I wanted no contact, but he texted me every few weeks anyway which I ignored. He’d always insisted that he didn’t want to lose me as a friend – and, around 6 months ago I finally caved in, mostly to show him I was indifferent to him now, and a little bit out of curiosity to see if he wanted to get back together again.
There was nothing between us and it was a pretty superficial meeting, as there was an unspoken understanding that we didn’t want to know of each other’s new romances. But since then he’s been asking to meet for coffee every month or so, where we would again talk for 30 minutes about superficial things going on in each other’s life.
I’m now at a point where I really don’t want to know anything about his life, and while I’m not in love with him right now, I don’t want to get too friendly in case I develop feelings again. How do I politely tell him I want no contact anymore? I don’t want to come across as though I still care/am still hurt, but if I want to show I’m indifferent, how do I explain why I agreed to meet these past few months? Margaret
You owe this guy nothing, Margaret. Not even an explanation, really. It could be that his M.O. is to turn all exes into pals at any cost, but a true friend respects boundaries. He didn’t, even when you explicitly told him you needed time and no contact. Possibly, pursing a friendship with you helps to alleviate his guilt about breaking your heart and/or keeping you on the backburner in case he gets lonely and wants to try and rekindle things with you.
The thing is, HE wanted out. He doesn’t get to dictate the terms of how things go down afterwards, including whether or not you want to spend your precious time having superficial little coffee dates. And, I actually think you’re really smart making this decision. Because, as you say, there’s a real chance you could become attached again and, well, that’s not what you want. You’re trying to move on from this.
You don’t need to make it a big deal. Just cut it off and stick to it. Next time he wants to get together, text him back and say, ‘Hey Brad. Thanks for the invite, but I’ve been thinking and while I thought we could be friends, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just not a good idea. No hard feelings. Good luck with everything.’ If that’s too hard core for you, just keep being ‘busy’ until he gets the message.
Love, reality chick