How long is too long to wait for my long-distance boyfriend?

How long is too long to wait for my long-distance boyfriend?

I’m so in love with my boyfriend and can’t imagine being without him – but we’re in different States at the moment. We decided that he will move to me, and I found us a place to live in together. Five months later, I’m still waiting! I’m not sure what to do – the date of his arrival keeps changing due to another bill or something else popping up. 

I’m starting to wonder if he really wants to be with me  and I feel like I’m slipping into a depression about it all. It’s embarrassing when people ask me when he’ll get here. How long is too long to wait? And how do I get him to pull his finger out? Anon

To be fair, a far-flung move does involve tying up a lot of loose ends – but after five months, it’s no wonder you’re hurt and impatient, especially as he keeps moving the goal posts on his arrival date. What he perhaps doesn’t realise is how all this is affecting you. Having to justify his absence to friends and family, or worse, explain why he’s not at Great Aunt Doris’s birthday party when you swore blind he’d be by your side months ago, certainly puts you in an awkward position. I’m guessing you’re also in a bit of a weird financial limbo too, wearing costs on a place he’s not yet living in, but that you agreed to share (maybe he’s paying part of the rent, I don’t know – but if not, that’s another added pressure for you on top of everything else).

Not all relationships start out smooth. Some are downright rocky to begin with but end up falling into place. That could be the case with you and your guy. But, he can’t call all the shots, and you need to make it very clear that you’re not cool with the situation. Not cool at all. Tell him how his continued absence makes you feel – hurt, sad, embarrassed, furious, depressed, worried that he’s changed his mind. Keeping a lid on all those emotions and pretending things are AOK, if that’s what you’re doing, not only messes with your head but it could leave him thinking you’re fine, so it’s fine for HIM to take his sweet time moving to wherever you are. It probably won’t be a fun conversation, especially long distance. But it’s one you guys need to have, and hopefully it’ll put a rocket under him once he realises you’re serious.

Have you asked yourself how long you’re willing to wait for this guy? If you’ve waited five months already, is six months your cut-off? Eight months? A year? Be honest with yourself. And be honest with him. If you don’t see signs of movement soon, suggesting a time out – a week or two of no contact, so you can both assess things, might be another way forward. I’m not talking about breaking up, just taking some breathing space. But I do think it might send him a message that you’re not willing to wait much longer, and if he continues to drag his feet he may lose you.

Love, reality chick

Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

4 Comments

  1. Author
    reality chick 9 years ago

    All great – and quite different – advice for our letter-writer. Thanks very much for chiming in, everyone.

  2. Ani Motek 9 years ago

    I moved to Australia from the US after dating a Melbourne guy for 18 months long distance. However, once we set plans in motion, we moved towards that set date.

    My feeling is that if the guy keeps putting the letter writer (LW) off with excuses that don’t seem critically serious, he’s probably changed his mind about moving (possibly because the LW pressured him to move to where she is before he was really ready to commit to a move — remember that we’re only getting one side of the story). My advice would be (1) for the LW to explain calmly to the guy that she thought he had committed to move and ask him to honestly tell her whether he still wants to move or whether he changed his mind once the move became real. (2) If he still says he wants to move, to set a firm date by which he should be there come hell or high water.

  3. Lola 9 years ago

    Long distance relationships! Whether we like it or not, they involve extra time, extra expense and extra emotional turmoil. I agree with RC: you need to have THAT conversation, sooner rather than later, and on the phone / Skype. Why? Because you wouldn’t want the turmoil to stay with you under your own roof, or in case you happen to be where he lives, it could be heart breaking to have to pick up your luggage and go back to the airport to catch the first plane back home.

    Maybe he’s scared to make the move, but if that’s the case, he should discuss it with you to come to an agreement. Life shouldn’t be a soap opera; we all need our energy to invest in “positives”, rather than to put our lives on hold because there’s someone who can’t take a mature decision.
    All the best, Lola (once burnt in the flames of a long distance love relationship)

  4. kitty 9 years ago

    Solid advice as always RC. If it were me I’d be booking a ticket to go see him face to face and sort it out once and for all. Either he’s in or he’s out. Life’s too short to hang around paying his half of the rent for nearly six months, giving people lame excuses as to why he’s dragging his feet at the chance to share his life with you.

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