I’m so in love with my boyfriend and can’t imagine being without him – but we’re in different States at the moment. We decided that he will move to me, and I found us a place to live in together. Five months later, I’m still waiting! I’m not sure what to do – the date of his arrival keeps changing due to another bill or something else popping up.
I’m starting to wonder if he really wants to be with me and I feel like I’m slipping into a depression about it all. It’s embarrassing when people ask me when he’ll get here. How long is too long to wait? And how do I get him to pull his finger out? Anon
To be fair, a far-flung move does involve tying up a lot of loose ends – but after five months, it’s no wonder you’re hurt and impatient, especially as he keeps moving the goal posts on his arrival date. What he perhaps doesn’t realise is how all this is affecting you. Having to justify his absence to friends and family, or worse, explain why he’s not at Great Aunt Doris’s birthday party when you swore blind he’d be by your side months ago, certainly puts you in an awkward position. I’m guessing you’re also in a bit of a weird financial limbo too, wearing costs on a place he’s not yet living in, but that you agreed to share (maybe he’s paying part of the rent, I don’t know – but if not, that’s another added pressure for you on top of everything else).
Not all relationships start out smooth. Some are downright rocky to begin with but end up falling into place. That could be the case with you and your guy. But, he can’t call all the shots, and you need to make it very clear that you’re not cool with the situation. Not cool at all. Tell him how his continued absence makes you feel – hurt, sad, embarrassed, furious, depressed, worried that he’s changed his mind. Keeping a lid on all those emotions and pretending things are AOK, if that’s what you’re doing, not only messes with your head but it could leave him thinking you’re fine, so it’s fine for HIM to take his sweet time moving to wherever you are. It probably won’t be a fun conversation, especially long distance. But it’s one you guys need to have, and hopefully it’ll put a rocket under him once he realises you’re serious.
Have you asked yourself how long you’re willing to wait for this guy? If you’ve waited five months already, is six months your cut-off? Eight months? A year? Be honest with yourself. And be honest with him. If you don’t see signs of movement soon, suggesting a time out – a week or two of no contact, so you can both assess things, might be another way forward. I’m not talking about breaking up, just taking some breathing space. But I do think it might send him a message that you’re not willing to wait much longer, and if he continues to drag his feet he may lose you.
Love, reality chick