How to get over my girlfriend’s past (and her secret dildo)?

How to get over my girlfriend’s past (and her secret dildo)?

dildoI’ve been dating this amazing girl for the last five months. Our sex life is the greatest I’ve ever had. However, I’m having bad self-esteem issues, because during our first month, she told me out of the blue how many guys (and girls) she dates, where she had sex with them and how ‘ok’ it was for her to have casual sex. Now, I’ve had casual sex too, but not as much as she did and every time I did it I felt somehow bad because I’m the family type and I really dig having sex with a woman I know and trust, rather than a stranger.

Her case, she did it for fun, for adventure. I should be feeling honored for being the guy who made her settle down and want the same man for sex, but I keep getting haunted by visions of the things she did. I feel small, as if I lacked experience, as she had a lot of standards to evaluate me. This made me anxious and I began to fail in bed. This made her buy a dildo in secret so she could fulfill her needs while I solved this issue. When I found out I felt even worse, like a dildo is better than me. We could solved this issue together and I thought she was kind of selfish by lying that everything was ‘ok’ while secretly enjoying herself with an expensive sex toy. I tried to break up, unable to take any more attacks to my self-esteem and my ego, but she insists she loves me and wants to be with me. I love her too – guilty. However, how can I get over the visions of her past and the shock of her buying a dildo to fulfill the gap I left because of my insecurity? J Man

You’ve both had casual sex, but your amazing girl enjoyed it and felt liberated and you felt guilty and unsatisfied with the lack of connection. Big deal. Different horses for different courses. We’re not all wired up to enjoy sex the same way. If we were … yawn … how dull would that be? And frankly, what’s done is done. It doesn’t really make a lick of difference now, does it? I mean she’s with you and loves you. You love her. For God’s sake, love is VERY hard to find. Don’t mess it up. Who gives a rat’s how many people she’s slept with or chandeliers she’s swung from? It just adds to her skills in the bedroom (the sex with her was the greatest of your life … so it’s a gift that keeps giving, right?).

If it makes you feel better, you’re not the first bloke we’ve had write in struggling to accept his girlfriend’s more experienced sexual history. We’ve answered heaps of questions from insecure guys who can’t stop doing that ridiculous mental tally, picturing their love in compromising pretzel twists with a cast of thousands. Truthfully, insecurity is a relationship killer. It’s also really unsexy. If you want to get Mr Happy to stand to attention again and get back to a place of mind-blowing sex with the girl of your dreams, then you’ve got to LET IT GO. As for the dildo. It’s a prop. The main stage show is YOU. She doesn’t like it more than you. And also – she shouldn’t have lied to you about owning it – but she has every right to use it, whether you’re in the room or not. She’s in control of her lady garden, not you sweetie. While you’re getting over her sexual past, you can get right over her dildo too. There’s hardly a woman alive that doesn’t have a stash of toys in her bedroom. If you want to know what other guy think about dildos, vibrators and such popping their rubber heads up in the bedroom, check out what our Manswers team had to say on the subject.

In short J Man: you’ve got yourself a good one, and you’re letting your head screw things up. If you’re that bothered, check in with a counsellor and get a few sessions about why you can’t get past this. And if you can’t let it be, then perhaps you need to choose your next girlfriend from www.formernuns.com?

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

5 Comments

  1. Hot Zone 1 year ago

    Completely agreed she wonderful and clearly loves you for putting up with the insecurities that you force on her. Everyone have had past lovers and everyone have had someone well 99% of the people anyways… What you love and fall in love with the person is the combination of what made them up in the first place over the years the little things they pick up overtime.

    Those thing is what make who we are today and without those experiences that we all have experience in life we would all be completely different people entirely.

    • Author

      Hot Zone, I am loving all your comments lately. You are a wise dude. Keep ’em coming! RC

      • Hot Zone 1 year ago

        Awh thanks you not so bad yourself 😉 Yes my girlfriend does say I think like an 80 year old and wise beyond my years 😛

  2. Lola 6 years ago

    J Man, Bron has a point and certainly RC has more than just one point 🙂
    The past is exactly that, past. Done and dusted. Here and now, you’re with this lady, who by the sound of it seems to be great for you. Many men would die to enter a beautiful relationship with a lady who is a really hot number in bed.
    There are still lots of women who have had their sexuality / sensuality bulldozed by their upbringing, religion, some unfortunate trauma in the past, etc etc. You hit the relationship jackpot. Don’t destroy what you have.
    All the best.

  3. Bron 6 years ago

    Mate, she chose a dildo over cheating on you with someone else. She’s a keeper. Accept it.

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