I feel like I rushed into marriage and now I’m miserable

I feel like I rushed into marriage and now I’m miserable

I am 25, my husband is 30 and we’ve been married just over two years. I recently went abroard for work for several months and while away I got a sharp perspective on our relationship. We’ve actually been long distance many times during our relationship, but this time was very different. I returned not excited to see him, feeling like my relationship had a lot a of issues in terms of communication, lack of passion, lack of interest, etc.

We met long distance while I was 18 and at university so I never got to date much or experience life independently. He’s a big homebody who works from home and spends hours a day playing video games, til very late at night. We have danced around the same issues and arguments for years now and I’m very unhappy. Although we were together for years before marrying, I can’t help feeling I rushed into it. Which also makes me feel guilty because I know he loves me (even if he isn’t the best at showing it). I’ve even started contemplating a trial separation. I do want to talk to him about my feelings but I’m afraid of his response and of course I don’t want to hurt him. What’s a girl to do? Kristin

While there’s a romance to rushing down the aisle when you’re young and in love, I know a few couples who’ve done it and now struggle with the loss of ‘all they never got to do’ – which can include travelling, dating or just being single and enjoying not being responsible for anyone but yourself. I don’t know if your discontent is about missing out on that kind of thing, or due to deeper issues, like your husband’s obsessive love of gaming and little else (which would bug the hell out of me too).

It sounds like you’ve gone over this a lot with him and there’s been no change, so it’s time to get his attention. With a script something like this: “I don’t know if you’ve noticed how unhappy I’ve been since coming back from my trip, but I can’t pretend any longer. I’m starting to think that there are growing differences and incompatibilities between us and it makes me sad and worried about our future. Would you come to see a counsellor with me? We’ve talked about these issues before, but I think it’s gotten to the point where we need a third party to help us.”

Hopefully, he’ll hear this, put down the gaming console and really talk. Commit to injecting more fun and passion into your marriage. But it may also raise an ugly truth: what if he’s happy with the status quo? What if his prime goal is getting the top score on Tomb Raider and he resents your restlessness and what it implies for his comfy little life on the couch? Then, my friend, you have a problem and you’ll definitely have some big decisions to make in regards to the kind of future that’s right for you. And you’re right – it might not be with him.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

1 Comment

  1. Patty willson 5 years ago

    My husband is a controling person. I’m a bit ok with it but the way he goes about it he won’t do diffront. He thinks doing one thing for me equals love. We are not compatable in any way exept I need him and he wants me to need him. I’m scared to go off on my own. He is nice until its not done his way. If he thinks we can work on the relationship then we can. If I’m not doing what he wants then we have to have a talk. On his time. Its always maybe tomorrow or later today. His time not what would be good for the both of us…time. If he is not happy nobodys happy sort of guy. I understand he has feelings and if he has had them he should tell me. Not let them build up un-till we are standing there like “what?” this has been going on for 12 years and I’m at the point ware its over or just keep going with the flow unroll it does get better

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