I had sex with him too early, and now he’s using me

I had sex with him too early, and now he’s using me

I had sex too early and now he's using meI‘ve been seeing a guy that I met online. We had a fight over sex; he said that waiting was dumb and he never moves that slow. I haven’t dated in over a year, and I feel like I messed up by sleeping with him too early. Now he just wants me to come over and sleep over which makes me feel like dial-a-ho or something!

I asked if we could do something non-sexual and I got rejected – but he said he wanted a relationship from the start. Also, he told me I don’t open up enough (here I was thinking men were supposed to like mystery; I didn’t want to tell him my whole life story as we’ve only known each other weeks). He gets angry that he can’t figure me out, yet I can’t read this guy either. He also told me he only works 9-5 but then had to work on the weekend – and he’s sometimes rude and texts other people in front of me. What do I do? How do I fix this? Sex Too Early

The question, STE, is not how you fix this, but whether you want to. Just from reading your letter I’m feeling stressed – so I can only guess how messed up you must be feeling. Let’s look at the mixed messages first. He said he wanted a relationship – but that’s a line some dudes, I’m sorry to say, may trot out as a way to get women into bed. I could be wrong, but if he really wanted a relationship, he wouldn’t be putting you in the booty call box and refusing your requests to do things that don’t involve getting naked and horizontal.

I’m also not loving the sound of the fight you describe when he said that waiting to have sex in the first place was ‘dumb’ and that he never ‘moves that slow’. Well, bully for him. Some people DO move that slow. Some people like to take their time getting to know a person before they play hide the sausage. You may be one of those people, and that’s A-OK. You don’t have to go by someone else’s sexual timetable, and you’d hope that any guy you dated was respectful of yours.

As for all the other stuff – working on the weekend, texting in front of you – well, they’re annoying, but not dealbreakers. It’s more about the fact that you guys seem to now be locked in a dynamic that’s about sex, sex and only sex. If that’s not what you want, your solution is simple: make a last-ditch effort to talk to him. Really talk. Sit him down, be open, tell him what you want and see if you guys can work towards a relationship that’s satisfying for both of you. Or, move on and find a guy who does want what you want.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

1 Comment

  1. Lola 8 years ago

    I applaud RC’s advice. Well said!
    When I was a young chick in the 1980’s, I had a string of first-date sex relationships, and my friends always said that I had “burnt the whole thing out” by sleeping with the guys so early in the piece. The truth is that the I-want-a-relationship pickup line is overused beyond belief, and that for some people, relating means having sex only. From the sound of it, nothing has changed since the 1980s.
    STE, I don’t think you had sex too early. You probably had your urges as well since you hadn’t dated in over a year. It would be a great idea if you had a last ditch conversation with this guy, as RC suggested. At least you’ll put your best foot forward, and if it doesn’t work, you will have learned something useful for your life. All the best.

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