I’m a 51-year-old man, and my mother is 71. She has been widowed since 2002 and I am the only family close by to help her with things. I love my mother deeply and have always had strong feelings and desires for her which she is aware of. Although it’s nothing she’d previously allow, she has become very open about things and I am getting the feeling that she may be thinking about my feelings for her.
Chatting recently, the subject of how neither of us have been with anyone for 10+ years came up and I told her that I still felt the same for her. She didn’t seem bothered by that and only seemed to have a concern about us getting caught. I do love my mother deeply and would love to be there for her and be with her. How should I pursue this with her? Tom
You’re a brave man to ask, Tom. I’m kind of baffled you have asked, actually, because I’m not sure exactly what you need from me – my approval? My advice on seducing your own mother? I can’t give you either of those things. Personally, I don’t think pursing a relationship with your mother is healthy for either of you, on any level, no matter your feelings or how long you’ve both been alone.
If anything, I’m inclined to tell you to hash these feelings out with a counsellor. And to suggest you put some distance between yourself and your mother, but it sounds like you can’t for practical reasons. So I can only tell you what you probably already know: taking this path, if indeed your mother is open to it, is something you’ll have to hide from an increasing number of people and care workers as the two of you age and I also suspect it’ll really isolate you both, which again – not healthy. And that’s just for starters.
I don’t know if you’ve read Men In Love by Nancy Friday, but in The Starry-Eyed Oedipus chapter she writes candidly about the ‘so accepted’ notion of the oedipal phase of development in young boys. Technically, most men tend to grow out of it – but reading the fantasies in this chapter written by grown men, many of whom say their father was either disinterested, dead or otherwise absent, I have to wonder how many blokes out there haven’t. Maybe you’re one of them. Counselling could really help you make sense of your feelings and I hope you take my advice and get some.
Love, reality chick