I’m in a 6-year relationship and I’ve caught my partner in a lie a couple of times – mostly about things he thinks I will overreact to. For example: he was previously married and have been separated for a long time now. But he met his ex for lunch and I found out 8 months later on a social media network! When I confronted him about it, he told me it was a harmless lunch and he didn’t tell me because I would’ve fought with him about it. But it hurts me that I have to find out, when I’d rather him be open and tell me.
Another example: He is generally a secretive person, has always been like that. He is friends with a girl at work, but had just mentioned her to me in passing. However, I found out on his phone that he chats with her often and even sends her pictures of the stuff we make at home for breakfast. I was pissed off not because he is friends with a girl, but the fact that he thought he needed to keep her shielded from me. Again when I confronted him, his answer was that I would have gotten upset. I am beginning to think, is the problem with me? Am I overreacting? If I am, I am willing to work on it because I love this person. Ashish G
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re overreacting, exactly. These interactions are probably harmless, but reading your letter, you guys both have some boundary issues to deal with. He’s a smooth operator who has no issue with telling white lies or keeping secrets so he can do as he pleases. And the fact that you’re at the stage where you feel compelled to check his phone for ‘evidence’ is pretty messed up, too – but I get that his behaviour has kind of led you down that paranoid path, so it’s a vicious cycle.
Of course, we have to consider our partner’s feelings when we’re in a relationship – annoying as it sometimes is. There will always be things we’re not down with, but more often than not if you can talk it through you can reach some kind of compromise, or at the very least, feel acknowledged. So you need to make it really, really clear to your boyfriend that you’re over the lying – and, how he tries to turn it back on you when he’s caught, with the implication being, ‘if you weren’t so insecure I’d tell you EVERYTHING but I can’t because I know it would end in a fight’. Sorry, but no. That’s just a shitty way of deflecting responsibility away from himself.
Be strong, and tell him you don’t want to fight about this crap anymore, and you have no problem with him seeing his ex for lunch or having female friends so long as he has enough respect for you to be upfront about these friendships. It basically boils down to this: not doing stuff you wouldn’t be comfortable doing in front of each other (or telling each other about). You’re simply asking for the basic respect and courtesy we all deserve in a relationship. I hope you can both work on it, and best of luck.
Love, reality chick