I like swinging, husband hates it

I like swinging, husband hates it

My hubby and I have been married for ten years and have two kids. Apart from a stale sex life, we love each other deeply, so when he suggested we try swinging, I agreed to give it a go to spice things up in the bedroom. We found a swingers’ party online and the weird thing is, I really enjoyed myself with one of the couples we met there, but my hubby was so jealous he couldn’t perform and things quickly turned sour.

We haven’t really discussed it much since, but I’d love to give it another go, and given my husband was the one who wanted to do it in the first place, I’m wondering if I should try to convince him, or just leave it? SwingGal

This is the problem with throwing conservatism to the wind. As cool as you think you’ll be with your partner sharing bodily fluids with Sandy’n’Randy, a yoga-loving couple from Coogee, not everyone can handle the reality of the situation. For some couples swinging works a treat as a way to safely explore fantasies and bi-sexuality. For others, it’s a sure-fire relationship wrecker.

It sounds like your confidence skyrocketed during the experience, but your hubby’s plummeted. Maybe he suspected someone else was doing a better job at satisfying you than him? That’s a passion killer to be sure. Bottom line: It’s not worth putting your partner in a bad place emotionally and sexually just so you can get your rocks off in a Jacuzzi with some randoms. Back off from the swingers scene unless he suggests it again (and it sounds like he won’t). It takes two to tango to the swingers beat and right now you’re missing a dance partner.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

10 Comments

  1. Jack 4 years ago

    My wife said either swing or im leaving
    Well 2 years later she has taken more cocks than a chicken factory and our marriage is a nightmare
    I said yes to keep my kids but now i only wish for death. Suicide is a daily thought.
    Watching and knowing she is being f@cked by so many guys make me feel sick.
    We fight constantly.
    Honestly i hate her. I wish she would die or at least just leave but in wonderful Australia tbat means she takes all my assets.
    I wish i had just said divorce me than have to acknowledge tbat my wife is a cheap filthy whore
    And as for tbe people she has sex with? Junkies. HIV candidates. Scum and criminals.
    I pity my kids but for me suicide is the only escape.
    Islam has the right idea. These whires should be stoned.

  2. Tad Richards 5 years ago

    There’s another possible answer. Suggest trying another swing and tell him this time it will be all about him.

  3. Josh 5 years ago

    Nicely put Rachel! Unbiased opinions seem rare when it comes to swinging but I think you hit the nail on the head. Swinging isn’t relationship cyanide and it’s not “the true nature” of humankind either. It’s just a sex thing. If it’s clear your partner could be really hurt you should absolutely not do it.

    I sometimes get the feeling we’re getting spoiled when it comes to sex. Like we feel entitled to absolute sexual titillation and that responsibly rests soley on our partners shoulders. Decent people don’t pin on their partners responsibility to provide them absolute happiness, or wealth, or… hell- anything! Good sleep, tasty food, perfect kids. That’s all a give and take. Why then, do so many people see sex differently; as an absolute where your partner must fulfill your desires completely or else?

    Am I taking out of my ass or is that a valid observation?

  4. Jodi malm 5 years ago

    I am actually married. John and I have been together since I was 15 – we wed when I was 19, and he’s my world. But neither of us puts sex on a pedestal. We see it for what it is: separate from love. It’s not natural to stick with one sexual partner for life. Life is about experimenting and experiencing, and that’s what we do. John goes with other women. I don’t get jealous because I know he loves me. Until the age of 28, I’d only been with him and we had a terrific sex life, but one day he brought home a swingers’ magazine he’d picked up from a workmate. He sort of joked we should try it; I told him not to be daft, and he never mentioned it again.
    But I kept looking at the mag and imagining how fun it might be. Eventually I told him we should give it a go. He looked like a kid at Christmas. The first couple we met – through the listings in that magazine – were university lecturers in their 40s, and I still remember driving to their home that Friday. John stopped the car and said, “Are we sure about this?” We were so nervous, but we were also insanely excited. I said we’d try it once and see how it went. And it went… joyously.

    As soon as we met them I was flirting with the guy. Bill was sophisticated and handsome, and over dinner there was this intense chemistry. Afterwards, there were a few minutes when just he and I were in the living room, and I thought it was now or never so I kissed him, and that was that. By the time John came in with Bill’s wife, we were otherwise engaged. I remember looking at John’s face and seeing a big smile come over it; I knew everything would be fine, and that life had changed for ever.

    We became committed swingers, spending weekends meeting up with couples or going to parties to swap partners. Suddenly everything was exciting. You’d be at work, and you’d think about what you were up to that evening and it sent a shiver down your spine. Some couples – like Bill and his wife – would become close friends, even when the sex stopped. Others you’d see only once. The night I slept with 7 men was at a swingers’ party in Upper Michigan. I remember driving there feeling almost uncontrollably lustful. The next day I felt achy, in that lovely way, like when you’ve been to the gym.I can only say it worked for us.Like John would say life is good.

    • Farah 4 years ago

      Dont dont stck to one person for life , no but you want it all dont you?

  5. Dante 8 years ago

    Hi,

    Husband here… I talked my wife into swinging a year or so ago and we met and became friends with a really nice couple through a swingers’ website. The friendship took first place in the relationship, but after many months a soft swap happened and then shortly thereafter a full swap.

    Both sexual experiences with them were okay, nothing too exciting, but we learned a lot. Now we’ve got another couple who’ve become good friends, and also is interested in us sexually, but I’m having my doubts as to whether or not I want to engage in it again.

    Yup, a different take on the original poster’s situation, I started the whole swinging topic in the beginning, talked her into trying it, and now, she enjoyed it okay but seems like she could take it or leave it, and I don’t want to do it anymore at all. It could change later, but… eh. We love each other, communicate well, and are totally happy with each other sexually, intimately, and emotionally.

    The key is straight forward, honest communication… and the rule: The least comfortable, most apprehensive person in any duo, be it the male or the female, should set the boundaries.

    Just thought I’d throw my $0.02 in here.

  6. AM 10 years ago

    Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it Anna!
    My wife and I do swing from time to time. We use websites though, to find couples to meet up with in hotels, rather than going to parties. It works for us better that way. Also we have kids so we would always do it away from our house.
    I personally think you both have to be rock solid in your own self and your relationship has to be rock solid. Otherwise issues can arise.

  7. Anna 10 years ago

    haven’t tried it, don’t want to, think swingers are crazy

  8. K 10 years ago

    Hey Inferno – interesting. I would’ve thought guys would be instigating it more.
    Nothing against the swinging lifestyle but my two cents to SwingGirl is to leave it – you tried it it didn’t work for both of you and now it’s your responsibility to get your marriage back on track. Sounds like the performance issues your husband experienced in front of others had a bit of a sledgehammer effect on his ego! And seroiusly is it worth risking your marriage over??

  9. Inferno 10 years ago

    Most couples we have met that have been long term swingers started because the woman thought it would be a great idea and really got into it from the start.
    The ones that have the guy bring it up and the girl isn’t so sure often consist of a bored male just wanting to get some strange and not really considering what it will be like when he views his partner with another (or if he does it is only a visual image)
    The best way to toe dip into swinging with a jealous insecure male is to do the FMF threesomes thing.
    After a while they (the insecure males) become less worried.
    The problem being is that finding that extra girl just isn’t as easy as one may think when they first start.
    By the time it becomes easy… your husband won’t be having a problem anymore and will be fine with couples.

    Take your time, talk a lot, support eachother and be caring about eachothers feelings and concerns.

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