I love her, but should I move in with her?

I love her, but should I move in with her?

l recently got back together with my ex girlfriend. I broke up with her before because I felt unwanted and constantly had to explain myself/anything I did when not with her. She didn’t like one of my best friends, a woman, because of the belief she had feelings for me. I’ve never got that vibe in the 7 years I’ve known her for many reasons, but also because she has a long term partner, now fiancé, whom she lives with. It made it very difficult to maintain the friendship and my relationship.

She would ask questions about what I was doing in my free time and, if i was with her, ask who I was texting etc if I was on my phone. Normal to an extent. In fairness to her she admitted to being insecure, lazy and is open about who she talks to if I’m there. I don’t ask for it, she just does it. I’ll confess that before I wasn’t strong enough to speak up about how I was feeling and that clearly didn’t help matters.

We met up about 2 months after I broke it off. We had a really great talk and opened up about lots of stuff. I told her I needed her to want to do things with me, a major problem before because of being lazy, talk to me properly (and not send essay texts of anger) and many other things. She agreed that things had to change and promised to be more aware of my needs. Fast forward a couple of months later and I feel like little has changed. She has gotten better at talking to me, I haven’t seen much of my female friend (partly due to being very busy but also out of fear for my relationship) and our time together is dominated by what she wants to do. There’s no balance and it’s driving me a bit mad.

I understand that she only has two days off and aside from meeting when we can during the week, so she wants time to do her ‘thing’ when I’m there. So our time together is spent indoors as she sits in front of her laptop all day and placates me with video games. I’m fine with that one out of two days but everything needs to be planned in advance. I put so much effort into making fun dates for us and get ‘I can’t be bothered’.

She got mad at me because I saw her later than normal one day. My Dad had fallen and hurt himself pretty badly, so I stayed with him to help out etc. She tried to argue with me that I should’ve left as there was nothing I could do to help. I was angry at her attitude and tried reasoning if it was her parent, but the reaction was the same. 

Now she wants me to move in with her. My head is screwed on correctly here and I’m not doing it until I’m happy. But for everything else I’m so confused and feel so tense when I need to talk to her. I really do like and even love her but it appears like she only cares when it’s convenient to her. I feel trapped in this barely acceptable bubble of comfort. Apologies for the very long read. Confused & Tense

I was just talking to a friend of mine about my policy of never going backwards in life… and while there are always exceptions, I think it often applies in love, too. You broke up for what seem like pretty sound reasons to me. Now you’ve reconciled, agreed on changes to make it work this time, and she’s still being the world’s worst girlfriend.

Relationships are about feeling good around the other person. Doing things to make them happy and to make their life better, if you can. So if you don’t feel good around her, can’t open up about issues without feeling confused and tense, and feel kinda trapped in a ‘barely acceptable bubble of comfort’, you don’t need any more red flags. You just need to act, and this time, I’d be making your exit on a one-way ticket.

Love, reality chick

Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

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