I am 25 and married a year. I got engaged to my husband before we got pregnant, but then rushed the wedding because of our little girl coming. She is now four months old and my husband is a completely selfish human being. He takes care of our baby now (it took a few weeks after she was born but he came around) but money-wise, he’s so selfish and so quick to spend all kinds of money on himself. He has a never-ending list of hobbies to keep himself busy.
We both work and I make more money but not by much. When I’m at work, he takes care of our daughter, but when I’m home, it’s all on me. I never get a break, which I’m fine with – because I’m a mother – but watching him get all the breaks in the world when I’m home makes me… jealous. It makes me angry that he gets to have hobbies and I don’t. I’m slowly not taking care of myself because I don’t have the time.
Plus, I used to be number one in our relationship. I was everything and more to him before we got married and had our daughter. It feels like ever since the wedding he doesn’t feel he needs to try and make me happy. We’re married now, so I’m not going anywhere right? So why keep trying? That’s how I feel he feels. I’m so sick to my stomach of his selfishness. I throw the threat of divorce at him… and want to cry but I can’t because I’m so angry.
We’ve started going to church thinking that would help us. We talked to a marriage counselor once, and thought that helped, but it slowly went back to the problems. I’m only in this for my daughter and I’m so completely miserable myself, and with him. But instead of praying to be able to get out, I pray that we will get better. Because I don’t want to be divorced. I want to have more children. I want to grow old with this man. But he makes me so angry I don’t know how to be happy anymore. Any advice? Heather
You sound completely overwhelmed – and not surprisingly. Research shows that four out of five relationships suffer in that first year after having a baby, and one in five couples split by the time their youngest child is five. However, according to Relationships Australia, a third who do divorce regret doing so and even feel later that it could’ve been avoided. The take-home message here is to hang in there – and try everything.
I do think, though, the time has passed for dealing with all these issues yourselves. You guys need to call in the big guns. That means asking family and friends to babysit. It means hiring babysitters, if you have the means, so you can have those breaks you deserve and frankly, need, to recharge. It means more marriage counselling for both of you. A good therapist will be able to guide you both to workable solutions in a way you might not be able to reach on your own right now, with emotions so high. Go every week until you feel the positive changes in your marriage are becoming habits. You and your husband could also visit a financial planner who can look at the money coming in, the goals you have (including maintaining expensive hobbies) and help you work out a budget.
Set up these appointments today and reach out to people who can help you. In a quieter moment, try to share honestly how you’re feeling with your husband, too. Keep anger out of it (if you can!) but make it clear how serious you are. Make it clear that things need to change right now with him, with you and with your marriage. I really hope you guys can get through this and to a happier place.
Love, reality chick