I love my husband, but he makes me so angry I don’t know how to be happy anymore

I love my husband, but he makes me so angry I don’t know how to be happy anymore

NEW Q: I love him but he makes me so angry I don't know how to be happy anymore

I am 25 and married a year. I got engaged to my husband before we got pregnant, but then rushed the wedding because of our little girl coming. She is now four months old and my husband is a completely selfish human being. He takes care of our baby now (it took a few weeks after she was born but he came around) but money-wise, he’s so selfish and so quick to spend all kinds of money on himself. He has a never-ending list of hobbies to keep himself busy.

We both work and I make more money but not by much. When I’m at work, he takes care of our daughter, but when I’m home, it’s all on me. I never get a break, which I’m fine with – because I’m a mother – but watching him get all the breaks in the world when I’m home makes me… jealous. It makes me angry that he gets to have hobbies and I don’t. I’m slowly not taking care of myself because I don’t have the time.

Plus, I used to be number one in our relationship. I was everything and more to him before we got married and had our daughter. It feels like ever since the wedding he doesn’t feel he needs to try and make me happy. We’re married now, so I’m not going anywhere right? So why keep trying? That’s how I feel he feels. I’m so sick to my stomach of his selfishness. I throw the threat of divorce at him… and want to cry but I can’t because I’m so angry.

We’ve started going to church thinking that would help us. We talked to a marriage counselor once, and thought that helped, but it slowly went back to the problems. I’m only in this for my daughter and I’m so completely miserable myself, and with him. But instead of praying to be able to get out, I pray that we will get better. Because I don’t want to be divorced. I want to have more children. I want to grow old with this man. But he makes me so angry I don’t know how to be happy anymore. Any advice? Heather

You sound completely overwhelmed – and not surprisingly. Research shows that four out of five relationships suffer in that first year after having a baby, and one in five couples split by the time their youngest child is five. However, according to Relationships Australia, a third who do divorce regret doing so and even feel later that it could’ve been avoided. The take-home message here is to hang in there – and try everything.

I do think, though, the time has passed for dealing with all these issues yourselves. You guys need to call in the big guns. That means asking family and friends to babysit. It means hiring babysitters, if you have the means, so you can have those breaks you deserve and frankly, need, to recharge. It means more marriage counselling for both of you. A good therapist will be able to guide you both to workable solutions in a way you might not be able to reach on your own right now, with emotions so high. Go every week until you feel the positive changes in your marriage are becoming habits. You and your husband could also visit a financial planner who can look at the money coming in, the goals you have (including maintaining expensive hobbies) and help you work out a budget.

Set up these appointments today and reach out to people who can help you. In a quieter moment, try to share honestly how you’re feeling with your husband, too. Keep anger out of it (if you can!) but make it clear how serious you are. Make it clear that things need to change right now with him, with you and with your marriage. I really hope you guys can get through this and to a happier place.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

2 Comments

  1. The Friendly Psychologist 6 years ago

    The bad news is you’re angry, but the good news is that you’re angry too. I get worried about couples that come to see me when they are indifferent to each other, that means the connection is broken and repair would be much harder. Anger means you care and will fight for this relationship.

    Go back to couples counselling, pronto. But know this – going to one session does not mean you’ve been to counselling. Counselling is a process over time. With relationships a 6-12 month commitment is important, even if you go every few weeks. Having that space to discuss, learn new communication tools and styles, learn about how the other feels in a supportive environment is crucial.

    You will be giving your baby a great gift by working on fixing these issues now rather than live With anger and resentment.

    Best of luck, and be kind to yourself (ves), being a new parent is really hard for all. It
    Ain’t a Huggies ad!!

  2. bron 6 years ago

    Let’s look at this from a stranger’s point of view.
    You both work.
    He looks after your daughter when you are working, and, I assume, vice versa.
    Your primary issues seem to be
    1 – he doesn’t help with your daughter when you are home.
    2 – he spends money as he wishes with no regard to you
    3 – he has hobbies.

    1 & 3 are fixable.
    Find something you want to do for yourself. Watch a movie. Join a bookclub. Anything that takes you out of the house minus daughter when you are not working. Not everyday, or even every second day. A couple of times a week and announce to him that you are going out and he’s got your daughter till you’re back. Oh, and run yourself a bath, hand your daughter to him, and tell him you’ll be out in an hour or so. If you don’t have a bath, go to the local pool, spa, whatever.
    Remember, he’s a new dad too. He is probably just an overwhelmed by the whole thing as you are and isn’t sure of what he should do when you are home. He may have been bought up in a household where his mother looked after the kids and his father worked and did nothing when he got home. But he can learn.
    Encourage him to take your daughter for a walk to the shops. If he goes out to get hobby supplies, hand him your daughter and tell him she would love the drive.
    Include him. Have expectations of him. The fact that he looks after your daughter while you are at work makes this workable.
    Now #2 – the whole money thing – is not quite so fixable.
    My suggestion would be to sit down and work out what your monthly bills are and divide them up between you. Make sure he pays his share of the bills. That includes food, nappies etc. Then see what each of you have left and allow a reasonable amount EACH for hobbies, entertainment etc.
    Then hand him a copy of that budget. Sit down and talk with him. Explain what you’ve done and why.
    Talk to him. It will take time. It may or may not work, but at least you will have tried. And don’t let him get out of paying his share of ALL bills. Oh and that includes his share of a babysitter while you both go out for a meal once a week, and maybe a movie every couple of weeks. Just do something out of the house together minus daughter.
    Now for the not so easy part. See a doctor. It sounds like you may have PND (Post Natal Depression) or may be heading for it. You are overworked, stressed out and not coping very well. You need help. Take your husband to that appointment. Let him hear everything you tell the doctor. Let him help you.

    And good luck.

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