I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for almost two years. He really is a great guy – sweet, thoughtful, kind, funny, agreeable – and we get on well and never fight. We live together and generally it’s great. Only thing is, for some reason I long for something more. While I love him, I am not ‘in love’ with him and never have been.
This is the first serious relationship I have ever had so I am not quite sure what to expect? Maybe I am expecting too much? I am 30 so naturally conversations are turning to marriage and that kind of thing, but as much as I love to spend time with him I am secretly just not sure whether he is ‘the one’ for me. It doesn’t help that we have quite different backgrounds – I work as a doctor while he has an unskilled job. I know my parents (quietly) are not overjoyed with the fact that he comes from a humble background, which is very different from my own.
I know it sounds terrible, and I wish this didn’t affect my feelings, but it does. I am feeling so lost with what to do – I don’t want to end it with him, as he makes me happy, but can’t help but feel there is someone else out there better suited for me? Am I being silly and spoiled? Any advice appreciated. Spoiled
After all the sad, lonely letters we get from women who’d kill to meet a sweet, thoughtful, kind, funny and agreeable guy, yours just makes me sigh. We’ve said it before, but let me say it again: love is hard to find. Good partners who make you happy are hard to find.
You’re clearly not that into him, but I suspect that’s not because he’s not awesome. It’s because you’re a bit of a snob. As are your parents, and you really care what they think – whether you admit it or not.
Your first serious relationship does warrant some soul-searching, sure – but if you were really rapt in this guy, you wouldn’t give a crap about his ‘humble’ background or menial job. None of that matters, in the grand scheme of things. You could be married to a carpenter with a beautiful soul who made you dinner every night and asked about your day and listened to you and loved you unconditionally. Or you could be married to a rich, philandering surgeon or lawyer or accountant who was never home and didn’t care about your hopes and dreams, but looked good on paper and on your arm at social events. Do you see where I’m going with this? It’s not about people and where they come from and what they do that’s important. It’s about who they are inside. Their values. How they make you feel.
Also, when we’re inexperienced, it can be so easy to fall into the fairytale trap of thinking that true love equals a 24/7 mad, crazy passion. Trouble with that is, lust isn’t a predictor of longevity – not by a long shot.
I suspect you’ve already made your mind up about this, and if the guy’s talking marriage, he obviously hasn’t a clue how you really feel. So move out. Give him the chance to find someone who considers him a catch – and go looking yourself. Date more. Get the experience you need. Because it’s just not fair pretending everything’s hunky-dory with your boyfriend of two years when you’re having such serious doubts.
Love, reality chick