I have been married almost 12 years now. I was just 19 when we met and 8 months later we tied the knot. I have never been a physical person. I don’t like to touch, I don’t like to cuddle and I have never been satisfied sexually by him. It has been this way for our whole marriage. Sex has always been slightly painful due to not being aroused enough but after I had my boy I talked to a doctor about it and he gave the recommendation of more oral from my hubby. So I told him, and he told me that I taste bad. I did some research about it and changed my diet but he would never try again.
Over the years I have tried to grow as an individual and he has not. We have the common interest of our son and some recreational shooting and that’s it. After 11 years of doing all the cooking, cleaning and yard work I’m over it. I’m ready to try it on my own. My days are basically spent picking up after a grown man who has more than once called me his personal maid and chef. A man who goes to work and comes home, showers and turns on the TV until its time for bed. He waits for me to bring dinner to him and sets a dirty plate in my chair when he is done. He also guilt-trips me for not being ‘model skinny’ despite the fact that I exercise and his idea of a workout is pushing a button on the remote control (he’s very overweight). Needless to say, I’m not attracted to him at all.
When I broached with him that I want to try a separation he completely freaked out. He makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave so here I am, still trying to work on it but there is no respect left, everything is a fight and struggle. Now he gets mad because I won’t cuddle and touch but I’ve never been that way. He knew this when we were dating, he knew this when we married. To make matters even worse I just got a raise at work and now make more money than him and he has become even more critical. I am very unhappy and want to leave but am afraid of hurting him. He was such a nice guy to date. Sophie
Dating someone who’s generally on his best behaviour is completely different to being locked in an unhappy marriage for over a decade to a total asshole who wouldn’t know how to compromise or be kind if his life depended on it. That’s why my immediate reaction to your letter, Sophie, is not a case of suggesting you find a good counsellor – it’s rather that you should find a good lawyer. Why? Because a) you don’t love him anymore; b) you aren’t attracted to him anymore; c) he’s a sexist, lazy, nasty piece of work. He’s also shite in bed, criticises you in ways that had me gasping and – I’m guessing – wouldn’t win any prizes for father of the year. Yeah, I’d be looking for the door too.
First though, you need to lose the idea that you have to sacrifice your life and personal happiness to a guy who treated you well when you were dating 12 years ago, because it’s not the reality now. You deserve better than this. Your son deserves better than this. Your next steps should be:
– Planning your future finances. Including saving and strategising for your survival on one income.
– Figuring out where you’ll live. Will you stay in the house? Will he? Will you sell it? Where will you live? This is critical to your peace of mind before making the break, especially with your son to consider.
– Setting up a support network. Do you have friends/family who know how unhappy you are and can be there for you? Have you told anyone you want to separate? If not, start talking to those you trust.
– Looking at your assets. What have you amassed as a couple in the past 12 years? What are you entitled to? Would your increased income mean maintenance payments? A lawyer can help here.
– Considering custody arrangements. What’s fair? What are you comfortable with? What would your husband demand? Would you want your son with you full-time?
– Keeping the end goal in sight. Ending a marriage is hard but if the relationship’s not working, you’ll be happier out of it and you need to hold onto that through the storm you’re about to enter.
Good luck Sophie. I wish you all the best.
Love, reality chick