I’m pregnant and my husband is being a dick

I’m pregnant and my husband is being a dick
New Q&A:
Updated 20-11-16

I need some advice. I’m expecting our second child, and I’ve been staying in the house mostly because I’m in my first trimester and I’ve been really nauseated (more than I ever was with my first). I’ll be honest, I stopped doing much around the house just because being up just makes me feel like I’m going to pass out. My partner’s not happy about this. He’s upset about how the house looks, which isn’t new (it feels like I can’t ever please him), but at the moment I feel like I have a good reason as to why I’m not up to cleaning/tidying.

One night this week he told me that I need to make the bed when I get up because he doesn’t like coming home to an unmade bed. I tried, and I managed to make it every day except yesterday. So this morning he woke me up around 5am and sent me to the couch because he was going to make the bed himself. That really upset me and I can’t figure out if it’s my hormones or if he’s just being over the top. Yesterday I also didn’t cook, and he told me that he was going to do what he pleased from now on and stop depending on me to do stuff for him since I don’t care about anything. What should I do? Janela

Let me get this straight: your partner is fully aware that you’re unable to function right now due to morning sickness and exhaustion and feeling like you’re going to pass out, and he made you get up at 5am so he could make the fucking bed while also making a POINT about what a crap housewife you’re being? Sweet Jesus.

Is this a new thing, his nastiness? Or has he always been like that? I suspect always, because you do mention how you can’t ever please him. Sure, he may be stressed about the second baby, and possibly the added financial pressure. But taking it out on you when you’re vulnerable is beyond the pale. You want a partner who gets that you’re not up to much and cooks, dammit, without complaint (or orders takeaway every night if that’s what needs to happen). You want a guy who won’t make stupid points about unmade beds when he knows that if you didn’t have another child to care for, you probably wouldn’t be getting out of bed at all for 12 weeks.

What should you do? Frankly I think you should take your kid and go stay with your parents, a trusted sibling or a good friend who tells you to put your feet up and makes you endless cups of tea. That’s what you need right now. Let him sit at home and fester about unmade beds and mess and cheese on toast for dinner. Maybe he’ll think about his behaviour towards you. And maybe he won’t. And if he doesn’t, I hope you do. Because it’s not your hormones you need to figure out, Janela – it’s whether you want to stay with / raise kids with someone who doesn’t seem to have a kind bone in his body.

Love, reality chick

Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Ennai 4 years ago

    This post is old but I felt inclined to comment. As a woman who waited way too long to get a divorce (waited 5 years) GET OUT NOW. My ex harsh treatment began when I was pregnant too. Any man who treats you like cap when you are down and vulnerable and needs him the most is not a good person-even if he’s great at other times.

    What happens when you get older and gt hypertension or diabetes or cancer or whatever else? We all deserve someone to treat us like queens through the good and bad.

    Also, not all men are like this. We tend to choose what we’re familiar with so maybe if your dad was like that you feel it is okay but it isn’t. Break the cycle. Have higher expectations.

    I was scared and ashamed and unsure about divorce too. All the experts said it would damage my child what would people think? But one day I decided to choose myself. Through the tears and panic attacks, I’ve lost weight, gotten a promotion, look ten years younger, got am advanced degree and I’m much closer with my child who is excelling academically and gets straight A+ (you saw that right. Not straight A but A+). Things are much lighter and brighter and easier now that our small apartment is filled with smiles, love and encouragement.

    I’ve been on a few dates but remained single for almost 3 years because I am never putting myself through that again. I do get lonely sometimes but I put on music and dance, I read, I call a friend because being treated cruelly by someone who should love and protect you is the loneliest feeling of all.

    Good luck ladies.. you deserve the best! You do! Don’t settle for being treated like an animal.

  2. Annonymous 4 years ago

    Hello ladies, I realize this is an old posting and a lot of people probably won’t see it but your stories have urged me to share. There’s a book called “why does he do that” that everyone should read no matter what kind of relationship you’re in. The author is Lundy Bancroft, he is based out of Boston and actually runs a program for men. Good luck and remember to take care of you first that’s your job( remember the oxygen mask?) Everyone else even the children are secondary. Because you can’t be a great mom unless your healthy and happy yourself.

    Been there 🙂

  3. Mala 4 years ago

    This sounds so familiar. Unfortunately, men are very selfish. My dad, my husband, my male friends. Not one is exempt from this. The reality is you have only two choices, one, leave. The other, which I chose, is accept. I came to the realization all these things are my choices, include choosing him. I accept and stay for my children. I try to remind myself, while others have it better, many have it worse. This may be a dismal outlook but I realize we don’t all get to have the “happy” fulfilling life. Some of us are meant to make other people happy. In my case my children. I hope he just going through something, snaps out of it and realises how much he wants his family. Best of luck to you.

    • hannah 4 years ago

      Oh Mala. I want thank you for the advise but it does make me sad to think that you feel that way. You deserve to be happy and be treated with respect just like I do. You sound like a good person and you want the best for your children as do I. Men are selfish but not all men but perhaps that’s all just down to perception and they’really all just selfish pigs. My dad definitely isn’t though he does a lot for us and my little one adores him although he does advise me just to keep my mouth shut when my husband annoys me but I find this far too difficult. I’ve chucked him out anyway I’m not sure I want him anymore. Certaibly not to be treated like that anyway. I just cant see thibgs changing. I feel lije he has no respect for me. Maybe im just hormonal. I do love him although every time he is nasty it makes me love him less and I think is this really what I want for my future. You need to do what’s right for you your children will be far happier if they see you happy. Good luck to you too I’m sure things will work our for us both.

    • A Man 4 years ago

      Mala, As a human being this type of attitude is both offensive and infuriating. No one is exempt from having selfish moments but at the same time one gender is not inherently selfish/greedy etc.

      You are giving out advice that I only half agree with, because whilst you can leave or accept; there is also talking. Whether with professional help or just as a couple.

  4. hannah 4 years ago

    Hi. This also sounds familiar to me. I feel exhausted after doing the chores but my husband also isn’t happy if the house work is not done or tea isn’t at the least prepared when he comes in even though I work 9 hour days I’m still expected to do it all. I know about it if I don’t. I mudt admit some days i just feel too exhausted and flake on the sofa and fall asleep and i do have rathet a short fuse at the moment. On Friday I was told we had guest my husband’s son and his new gf was coming to stay we would be netting the new gf for the first time. I mustered up the strength to clean the whole house including changing his sons bed so they were comfortable. Just walking up the stairs with a washing basket full of clothes gets me out old breath at the moment. Anyway I did all this while looking after my not yet two year old and managed to prepare dinner and do all the washing and put it away. All I got was a thanks and why did you change the bed. You can imagine I blew my top but did my best to swallow it and stay calm after all, there was someone in our house that we’d never met before although she knew I was pregnant as my husband had broke the news that evening. So the bologna ide I had cooked ended up being covered with tin foil and my husband went to the Chinese. I stayed calm. Saturday came and my husband wanted to take them out. I did another two loads of washing and carried them upstairs and couldn’t get my breath. Instead of helping he just said you can stay here if you’re not well while stood there watching me trying to catch my breath and sort the washing into piles to put away. I said I was fine put everything away and got myself and our daughter ready to go. We got in my car and he got in the dricing seat. As soon as he sat in the car he started moaning about my shit car. This annoyed me but I bit my lip and offered to drive but he wanted to. We went around the town shopping and things werent too bad until we got on the car alga in. He moaned again so I piped up as I started to lose my rag. I said I’d asked him to book the car in for a service weeks ago and I needed to get the headlights sorted. He just kept banging on so I told him to get it sorted out and if he wants to pull over I will drive but no. He just keeps moaning so I told him I was losing my patients and wanted him to shut up moaning I’d had enough. His reply was ‘ fuck you you f’ing cu*t. You stop moaning you cu*t” I couldn’t believe my ears his son and gf were in the car I was mortified and asked him who he was talking to he continued to give me abuse. I told him to drop me off at my dads on the way home. When I got there I cried my heart out. He was an are the morning too like early hours. My little girl had woken up in an extremely bad mood very early for the second night in a row I git up with her made her bottle and layer on around 7 she wakes and I feel like a zombie. He just moaned about being tired so I said what about me I’m exhausted. He turns round and says I’m not the only one that’s tired. Omg I could’ve ripped hid face off. He said he was going to go to work (on his day off) so I said right well you can get up with her for half an hour while I get some kip. Omg you’d think I was asking for a limb. What an arse. I text him at my dad’s saying. I was disgusted with his lack of respect and I’d had enough and wanted him out. A couple of hours later my dad was talking me home and he rings me and questions where I am. I say I’m on my wasly home and he says sorry for calling you a cu*t but it was in retaliation for you telling.me to shut the f up. I couldn’t believe my ears I did not swear at him at all. Yes I admit I was losing my patients but he’s enough to make a saint swear. Please advise. I don’t want my children to grow up without a dad and he can be really kind but this kind of behaviour which is far too frequent makes me never want to see him again. Please help

  5. Liz 5 years ago

    Sounds familiar. I have the sweetest guy by my side. Unfortunately, once I got pregnant everything changed. He also isn’t happy if the house isn’t clean and there isn’t food on the table. Recently he had a fit because I didn’t wake up at 5am to prepare his lunch for work. I’m 5 months pregnant and so over it. I feel like I haven’t had a chance to enjoy my pregnancy as I always wanted to. This is my first pregnancy and beings that I’m 38, probably my last. Not sure that I would want to experience this downside again. 🙁

  6. Bron 6 years ago

    Oh hell no.
    Get out. Even better, kick him out.
    If he’s like this now, what is he going to be like when you are in hospital with this new child and not home to do the housework or look after your other child? What is he going to be like when you are exhausted from 3am feedings of a teething baby?
    Housework is not the exclusive job of the female, and you are not there to do his bidding.
    As others have said, this is abuse. Not physical yet, as in he hasn’t hit you (I hope), but forcing you out of bed at 5am? No. No no no no!
    Send him home to mummy who can make his bed of a morning and do all his housework for him. With luck she’ll kick his arse for him for behaving this way too.
    You’re in trouble girl. Protect yourself now.

  7. Lisa 6 years ago

    He’s not a dick – he’s abusive. The only possible salvation is if he’s prepared to accept that and get help.

  8. Al 6 years ago

    Holy hell Janela. RUN. This can only get worse.

  9. Cyndie 6 years ago

    I’m short for words, is this guy for real?! Haha. This is exactly why i want to always remain financially independent from my husband.

  10. Lisa 6 years ago

    I don’t think this guy has got the message that marriage is meant to be a partnership.

    • Author

      I’m on a Facebook mums group for my local area and there are countless stories of spouses like this guy. Makes me mad and sad

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