I married my husband nearly a year ago, after a bad break-up. I loved my ex dearly and we were together five years but a misunderstanding drove us apart. I married my husband shortly after and found the happiness I’d been longing for. However, my husband and I don’t live together and we haven’t since the day we got married (I met him on holiday and just loved him instantly). Here’s where it gets complicated: I’m now pregnant with our first child and have recently come into contact with my ex, who happens to live in the same city as me.
And… lately it hasn’t been the same between me and my husband. I underestimated how tough it would be coping with the pregnancy on my own. He’s no longer working and doesn’t send me a penny. I was only meant to be away from him for a year and then we would move in together, however that plan has gone down the drain due to his unemployment and he doesn’t know when he will be able to provide a ticket for me to see him. I provide for him and my family does also whenever they can. Whenever I ask him when he’ll get a job or when we’ll see each other, he changes the subject. We’re not communicating well and I’m struggling to feel the same way about him.
And… I’ve been talking to my ex-boyfriend and confiding in him. He understands, helps me with my situation and gives me advice. I still have feelings for him as he was my first love and the only relationship I had before my husband. And, all I’ve been thinking about lately is how I want to leave my husband and just be independent on my own. Especially since I’m not getting the love I deserve or the attention that I need, and quite frankly he doesn’t seem too bothered to answer simple questions or worry about when the hell he’s going to see his son. Am I bad if I leave him? Please don’t judge me, I just need advice. Susan
Okay, Susan, here’s what I think: you’ve just survived the biggest year of your life. You endured a bad split from a long-term boyfriend you really loved. You met and married someone new faster than Speedy Gonzales – AND you got pregnant. Things went from fun, holiday-romancy to pretty frigging real, fast. Suddenly you’re dealing with issues that would rock the foundations of a ten year marriage. And, the bubba could be making you hormonally bonkers, which can send normal, rational thought packing. No wonder you’re feeling unsupported and unloved and not a little freaked out.
Of course, many might immediately read something dodgy into your situation; ie, that your husband is a freeloader who’s quite happy with the status quo (ie, staying where he is and being supported) – and of course anything’s possible; you’ve only known him a short time. But could there also be the chance that he is freaking out as well? I mean, he’s about to become a dad. And he’s suddenly unemployed and being supported by his new, pregnant wife and her family. Maybe he’s so stressed about all of the above and about NOT being able to provide for you or put the plans in motion for you guys to be together that it’s easier for him to avoid the issue until he has something concrete to tell you.
As for the ex thing. Don’t go there. Not right now. Not when your world feels so precarious. Have some boundaries until you at least know what you’re going to do and what’s going on. You left this guy for a reason – whether or not it was valid – and really, he’s the last person you should be confiding in and getting advice from right now. Ask friends, your family, a therapist; anyone but him.
If I were you, I’d focus solely on what I could control right now. There’s a lot: you and your health, the bubba you’re bringing into the world, preparing your home and the nursery, sorting out any entitlements and maternity leave, going to parenting classes and pre-natal yoga, staying busy. Things will unfold with your husband and you’ll know what to do in time but right now, I would hold off on making any massive decisions – at least until the baby’s born.
Love, reality chick