I’m sleeping with my ex. Do I tell his girlfriend?

I’m sleeping with my ex. Do I tell his girlfriend?

I have been sleeping with my ex while he has a girlfriend. I know this is bad, and that’s not what my question is about as such. Should I tell the girlfriend? I used to work with her, many moons ago before either of us were involved with him. I don’t like her and never have, but I do know her. We haven’t seen each other from before either of us got together with him. I have however been in occasional contact with a mutual friend. I’ve just been thinking that if it was me who was the girlfriend – I’d want to know? Thoughts, advice is needed! If I do let her know, how do I go about it?? Right Or Wrong

Good question. I’m dubious about why you really want to bust open this twisted love triangle. After all, you’re bonking her boyfriend (the fact he used to be your ex is immaterial) and you don’t like her and never have. So, I’m guessing guilt and / or remorse can’t be among your motives. Saying that you’d ‘want to know’ if you were in her position sounds noble and all, but sweetheart, you are DRIVING the home-wrecking runaway train, which kinda makes it hard to buy your burst of morality. You don’t mention any plans to end the affair with this guy either, so … what gives? Are you hoping that by telling her, and basically smashing her world into pieces, she’ll leave him and pave the way clear for you to reconcile with him properly? It might happen. More likely, you’ll land at the epicentre of an almighty shit-storm where both of them end up hating your guts, and you won’t feel too hot about facing yourself in the mirror, either.

So, the big reveal isn’t something I can advise you to do or not do. But if you do make your move and mess with her life, walk away from the guy first – I mean REALLY walk away – and then tell her the truth about your part. In person. Do it because you want to be the kind of woman who acts with integrity and to make amends, rather than for the selfish, shameful hope that it’ll free him up to be with you.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Hot Model Girl 6 years ago

    Here is the thing. I plan on sleeping with my ex this summer. He is in USA I am in Canada. He has a girlfriend. Legal complications arose that I am temporarily restricted from entering USA. So this summer I should be cleared, and as soon as I am I will sleep with him. Not doing it to hurt the other party. But likewise this guy cheats too, and he wants to cheat on her with me. If I went down there he would run to see me. Hence his girlfriend is not easy in the eyes. He has not moved on from me. I am gonna do it cause I love him so much, and I wanna be with him again. She will just have to accept it. I do plan on telling her when it does happen

  2. Right or Wrong 10 years ago

    I want to make it perfectly clear that I have no interest in a relationship with him at all. I am single, he is in a relationship. He’s cheating, and I have no plans to be with him again knowing first hand that he does cheat. I also admit my part in this, however I am also sure that I am not the only person he’s cheating with. I’m not trying to excuse my behaviour by any stretch. I am walking away from him now. If he’s going to ruin this relationship and this girls trust, it will no longer be because of me. I just know if it had been me…hard as it would be to hear, I’d want to know. But I take all your comments on board and that’s why last weekend I turned him down and told him no more. Little steps make big changes I hope. Thank you.

  3. Lola 10 years ago

    I could add my psychoanalytic bit of interpretation: you feel some kind of ‘attraction’ towards your ex’s current girlfriend, Ms Wrong, and by shagging him, you’re also shagging her.
    Bron and sbb are bang on re the ethics and moral of the story, as well as RC. What I’m giving you is an interpretation that may shed light on your subconscious motives. A triangle sometimes ends up giving its participants a boost in hormonal activity, but only when the THREE of them are aware of what’s happening. There’s someone here who doesn’t know all the truth, that is, your ex’s current girlfriend – and I do feel for her.
    Get yourself a bit of counselling (normally a counsellor can give you further insight into what your motives are) because this situation may head for a storm if this lady finds out.

  4. Bron 10 years ago

    Well, you are not going to like my answer to this.
    Do you have so little self-respect that you are willing to sleep with someone who is not only sleeping with someone else, but is in an actual relationship with them?
    Telling her is not going to get you and your ex back in the relationship you had before – you are ex’s for a reason, and if he was going to break up with her, he would have done so already.
    You want him back, he wants easy sex, and the person who is going to get hurt is his current GIRLFRIEND – don’t kid yourself, you’re not a potential girlfriend, you’re an easy lay.
    Break off all contact, walk away and don’t tell her a thing. You don’t have the right to shatter her world anymore than you already have. She’ll work it out eventually, probably when she finds out from another of his bedmates (don’t kid yourself that you’re the only one), or when she catches him out in a lie.
    Grow up, and walk away, keeping your mouth shut in the process, and hope you haven’t caught anything nasty from this cheater.

  5. sbb 10 years ago


    you and him are the ones cheating on her. already being deceitful, so why would you want to tell her, other than wanting to be more nasty to her (and him)?

    only reasonable thing would be to stop sleeping with him and not say anything, unless what can be said will be a positive to people involved .. in the long term.

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