I’m trying to move on with someone new but my ex dominates my thoughts

I’m trying to move on with someone new but my ex dominates my thoughts

I'm trying to move on but my ex dominates my thoughts

My on-off ex and I broke up about 8 months ago. It was my call, but I was always the one who cared more and put in all the effort. Normally I’d get over it and move on. But I’m still thinking about him daily and dreaming about him. I know he’s rebounded with at least two girls since our split and I don’t want to get back together but I can’t get him off my mind. This is a problem because I started seeing a friend romantically a month ago.

Until this, my ex still contacted me, causing me anxiety because he’d then disappear for weeks afterwards. When he found out I was seeing someone he said he thought we’d eventually get back together, that he loves me and is angry at me now for trying to move on with someone else. Did I mention the guy I’m seeing treats me like what every girl looks for? But it’s only been a month and I’m scared I don’t love him as much as I did my ex and that I may never. My ex and I go to the same uni; the other guy goes to another school a few hours away. My ex now ignores me but talks to my friends in front of me. I’m the bad guy.

I want to change my mindset. I really like this new person I’m seeing and could see myself with him for awhile. He’s the kind of guy that anyone in their right mind would want to end up with. Any tips to help me? L

Let’s try and change your mindset with one simple sentence: your ex is a manipulative, game-playing ass-clown. On a good day. I know that probably won’t do it, because we love who we love for stupid reasons sometimes. And often, we love who we love even though they treat us badly. Lordy, I’ve been there. Several of my exes wouldn’t have won any awards for Boyfriend Of The Year either.

What really gets me, though, is not that he didn’t put in much effort when you were together, or that he didn’t care as much as you did. It’s that post-break-up, he has you pegged as his neat little back-up plan in case he needs one. And you’ve buggered that up by going off and getting another boyfriend – a nice one! A guy who genuinely likes you and knows how to treat a girl! That wasn’t part of your ex’s plan! He wants you pining for him and hoping you’ll reconcile like all those other times, dammit!

And, his check-in-disappear tactic worked like a charm – until you took up with someone else. By doing that, you’ve forced him to think outside the box, and his only ammo now is to ignore you. So let him. Let him be mad. Give yourself a little talking-to in front of the mirror every day about how you, my dear, have dodged a bullet. Don’t let him poison your opportunity for something fresh and new and good.

That said, I’m not saying everything will be dandy with the new guy. You can’t flip the switch and commit to something new if you’re a) still in love with your ex or b) not that into the new guy – and only you know if a + b = I shouldn’t be with New Guy. But if it does, you need to honour that. Don’t push on and break this guy’s heart just because he walked unwittingly into your world of unresolved baggage. You’re better off taking some time to be on your own so you can go into something when you’re ready, and knowing you’ve got your whole heart to give to it.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Maitreya 5 years ago

    I am in a similar predicament where i have met this guy…i have told him i love him and i have felt very strong feelings but problem is…MY EX IS ON MY MIND ALMOST ALL DAY EVERYDAY…i left him because he just could not stop disrespecting me and mistreating me/accusing me of things. We went through a lot. I loved him very much and let him in like i haven’t let anyone in…and practically thought leaving him..he would wake up and realise what he had…but instead while i was falling apart he was just fine and already found someone new and they are now dating ..she could of been better but nope which is funny but insulting too after everything. My ex has ignored texts and calls and i no longer bother…just wish he would get out of my head…i want to move on..be happy..because i deserve it. But cause of that factor its made me question things with this new guy…doesn’t help this new guy has just got out of a relationship with a unloyal girl who has the mind of a child. I don’t know what to do ..its been MONTHS since i left my ex…why is he still crossing my mind?

  2. Lyn 7 years ago

    This seems to be a pretty common occurrence. Another good article on the subject: http://www.exaholics.com/2014/03/10/obsessing-over-your-ex-sleeping-with-someone-else-2/

  3. Earnest R. Weaver 7 years ago

    Will you still be fighting over groceries? Will the sex still be hot and often? What fears will appear and disappear after all that time together? Find out how your love will change after being in the trenches together for 10 years.

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