Is her heart with me, or the father of her kid?

Is her heart with me, or the father of her kid?

Is her heart with me, or the father of her kid?

I have a girlfriend. She has a one year old son. I have been in his life since he was born, and before that, in her life since she was 6 months pregnant. Her baby’s father lived in Tallahassee and we live in Miami. When he did come down and visit the baby she posted things on Facebook thanking him for giving her a break and tagged his name. She also posted ‘mommy and daddy love you’. Well now he’s in jail. And I’m just wondering if she will leave me for him. I put so much time into this relationship. I mean she lets her son call me Dada and everything. She says she’s in love with me but I feel that her heart is not completely here. JJ

Let’s take a little walk in your woman’s shoes for a minute, JJ. In the last two years she’s gotten pregnant. Suffered through a break-up while pregnant. Met a new guy, started a new relationship. Given birth. Had to adjust to new motherhood while also nurturing her new relationship. Dealt with her baby daddy being incarcerated. All while coping with some pretty hefty hormonal changes. Does that sound like a lot to go through in two years? It sure as heck does to me.

It’s still early days for the two of you. She’s still adjusting. So are you. Some people need a good stretch of time between relationships to shrug off the feelings for the ex before they can even entertain thoughts of falling in love with someone new. Some people can jump from lover to lover without missing a beat. Maybe she IS still processing some feelings for her ex, which is to be expected; they created a child together and that’s no small thing. However, that doesn’t mean she’s not in love with you, or that she doesn’t recognize that you’re a far better, more solid bet than her ex will ever be. (For Pete’s sake, the guy is in JAIL.)

That said, he’ll always be her baby’s biological dad. He’ll always have a place in her kid’s life. You can’t tie yourself in knots over that. It is what it is. So don’t let those Facebook posts bother you. She’s no doubt battling over just how to make him feel a part of it, in some small way.

You know what I’d do? Just take a little step back. Don’t let yourself spiral about things that may never happen. You don’t know what the future holds – none of us do – so don’t worry about what you can’t control. Her ex isn’t really in the picture. You are. You’re there, every day, being her rock and being the dad her child really needs. Not all men would be content taking on the responsibility of another man’s kid. You did. That’s pretty cool. Be proud of that and the role you play. Be strong about your place and your importance in their lives. I’m sure it is high. Believe her when she says she’s in love with you. Right now, that’s all you can and should be doing.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

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