I started seeing a guy last year. We were together for about 7 months, then he wanted to explore “other options”. He had just come out of a 25-year marriage. Now we are back together after a lot of back and forth and, for him, other partners.
The trouble is I have had a great number of sexual partners. He is really struggling with this as some of these partners are still good friends of mine. I have no intention of going back to that lifestyle and I certainly can’t erase the experiences, these friends would never dream of mentioning our dalliances in front of him either.
Is there a way we can tackle his issues with this and move forward together? He says he can see me in his life forever, but isn’t sure how to get past my past! Haunted By Past
Let me get this straight: you started a relationship with a recent divorcee, but he got restless and went off to see if there was anything out there he liked better (which, let’s face it, is what ‘exploring other options’ generally means). Now you’re back together, except he’s suddenly got a problem with YOUR sexual history. Something about this picture bothers me, and it’s not your past. Maybe it’s that teasing a partner with the promise of a future while implying that it all hinges on something they can’t change about themselves is, frankly, cruel.
You know what? I think you’ve been accommodating enough. You wore it while he went off to sow his post-divorce oats. Now, supposedly, he wants you. Sure, you could mollycoddle him and try and ‘work together’ to tackle his insecurities. But it’s not an issue you share as a couple. It’s his issue, and one he needs to either come to terms with, or accept that he can’t. Healthy relationships aren’t about loving some parts of a person and saying ‘no thanks’ to the bits you’re not comfortable with. It’s about the whole package. It’s about being mature enough to say, ‘hey, I don’t love that you did X or Y before you met me, but I love you, and that’s what really matters’.
Bottom line, I guess, is whether your guy has the capacity to grow up and get over it. Because if this is always going to be cropping up, or causing him to view you as anything less than the amazing person he’s chosen to spend his life with, you probably need to assess whether you want to spend yours with HIM.
Love, reality chick