I’ve had lots of lovers… and he can’t get over my past!

I’ve had lots of lovers… and he can’t get over my past!

I started seeing a guy last year. We were together for about 7 months, then he wanted to explore “other options”. He had just come out of a 25-year marriage. Now we are back together after a lot of back and forth and, for him, other partners.

The trouble is I have had a great number of sexual partners. He is really struggling with this as some of these partners are still good friends of mine. I have no intention of going back to that lifestyle and I certainly can’t erase the experiences, these friends would never dream of mentioning our dalliances in front of him either.

Is there a way we can tackle his issues with this and move forward together? He says he can see me in his life forever, but isn’t sure how to get past my past! Haunted By Past

Let me get this straight: you started a relationship with a recent divorcee, but he got restless and went off to see if there was anything out there he liked better (which, let’s face it, is what ‘exploring other options’ generally means). Now you’re back together, except he’s suddenly got a problem with YOUR sexual history. Something about this picture bothers me, and it’s not your past. Maybe it’s that teasing a partner with the promise of a future while implying that it all hinges on something they can’t change about themselves is, frankly, cruel.

You know what? I think you’ve been accommodating enough. You wore it while he went off to sow his post-divorce oats. Now, supposedly, he wants you. Sure, you could mollycoddle him and try and ‘work together’ to tackle his insecurities. But it’s not an issue you share as a couple. It’s his issue, and one he needs to either come to terms with, or accept that he can’t. Healthy relationships aren’t about loving some parts of a person and saying ‘no thanks’ to the bits you’re not comfortable with. It’s about the whole package. It’s about being mature enough to say, ‘hey, I don’t love that you did X or Y before you met me, but I love you, and that’s what really matters’.

Bottom line, I guess, is whether your guy has the capacity to grow up and get over it. Because if this is always going to be cropping up, or causing him to view you as anything less than the amazing person he’s chosen to spend his life with, you probably need to assess whether you want to spend yours with HIM.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

6 Comments

  1. fenderbirds 7 years ago

    nice article, keep the posts coming

  2. Author
    reality chick 7 years ago

    I hope you guys can work it out, but if not, I guess it is best to know now. Let us know how you go, Haunted. Best of luck. RC

  3. Haunted by Past 7 years ago

    Thanks RC, you are right – you either love someone flaws and all or you don’t. I think it’s time I had the “chat” with him to see if there is any point in going on. If this is an arguement that will be rehashed many times, then there’s not much point to taking things further.

  4. kate 7 years ago

    Ah, the sex partners count. TRICKY conversation… my guy hasn’t asked me and I haven’t asked him and I don’t think it’s ever going to come up. It’s a shame but some guys place so much importance on this one…

  5. Wacky 7 years ago

    Well said RC, totally agree! This guy wants his cake and everything else on the plate and if it isn’t to his liking then he’ll keep you hanging making you feel guilty for just living your life the way you wanted at the time?! Not fair. Tell him to grow up and get over it.

  6. Bridget 7 years ago

    I was once with a guy who had slept with at least FIVE TIMES more people than me and he always refered to my other partners as idiots or teased me about sleeping around. I never mentioned his past behavior because I knew it would upset him if he knew he was thought of as a whore.
    Anyway, the point is, tell this guy to grow up. It’s the 21st century.

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