I’ve moved countries for him but he still won’t commit

I’ve moved countries for him but he still won’t commit

I’ve been dating a very high achiever for almost 3 years. I’ve even recently moved overseas to live with him, as he has a business in Asia. And, I’m nearly 38 and have no children and have never been married. (I’m one of those nice girls who needs to grow some testicles.)

As I’m questioning his desire to commit to me, I have recently asked if he would consider marriage / kids. His silence and lack of a definitive answer makes me sad and hurt and not sure what to do next. He’s been divorced, his former wife left him and the settlement was an $$$ ouch for him. Am I naive to believe in love? Do you think this guy might be a waste of biological time? I’ve been with similar non-committal types. Kate

Commitment-phobic people can leave us jaded, no question, but you’re not naive to believe in love. Moving to Asia before having the marriage/kids conversation … Okay, possibly not your smartest decision, but asking someone where you stand in a relationship is terrifying so I do get why you avoided it and romantically opted to throw caution to the wind.

The issue is, what now? Cry? Board a plane home? Issue an ultimatum? There’s really nothing left to lose at this point so I’d rock the boat. You’ve every right to some answers so you can start making decisions. Tell him you love him and you understand his fears following the messy divorce he went through, but that you’d like to move forward without the specter of his ex shadowing your relationship and what could actually be a decent and happy life together.

After three years, he should be pretty sure about the future he envisages with you so if he won’t discuss it or commit to making changes, that is an answer, of sorts. Sad as it will be, don’t stick around and hope he might give in. You wouldn’t want that anyway – feeling that you’d had to twist his arm in order to force him to plan a future with you. Trust me, Kate, sometimes there’s more relief than pain in being freed from a relationship that doesn’t fulfil your needs on any level.

Love, reality chick


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1 Comment

  1. Lizabelle 5 years ago

    As someone who did something very similar, I have huge sympathy with Kate. In my case, I took my boyfriend’s suggestion that I move overseas with him as tacit (emphasis on the tacit, ie unspoken) acceptance that our relationship was heading for marriage and babies. I said I’d go for two years, and six years later I was still there, still trying to get some kind of commitment out of him.

    Moving home by myself was the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but I think finally taking control of my own life again was key. A year on, I have a new boyfriend who thinks I’m awesome (SUCH a lovely change) and a life I love.

    Kate, I wish you the best with whatever you decide! I know it’s a scary position to be in, but hopefully my story shows that it doesn’t have to stay scary forever.

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