Keen guy has now backed off – why?

Keen guy has now backed off – why?

I‘ve just started dating a guy. We’ve been on four dates, which have been great. However, on the last one, I stayed the night at his place and he desperately wanted to have sex. I told him that I wanted to go slowly and get to know each other more before we go all the way. He seemed to respect that. We did plenty of other things that should have satisfied him. But now I am confused. Did I do too much of the ‘other’ things? When do I go all the way without making it seem like the chase is over? How much of a hunt does a girl have to make a guy do? I sent him a nice text message the day after, but alas no response. What should I do? Confused

I’m not surprised you’re confused. There is nothing worse than a bloke who comes on hot and heavy, then backs off for no good reason. Actually, if I’m to be brutally honest (and that’s what I’m here for) there usually is a good reason boys shut down (like he’s met someone else or he just isn’t that into you) – it’s just that they’ve decided to take a cowardly, I-just-won’t-respond-to her-texts-and-hope-she-gets-the-message, approach.
You absolutely did the right thing saying you wanted to take it slow, and there’s no issue with having a bit of fun with him in the meantime doing ‘other things’. That’s what dating is all about – getting to know each other emotionally and physically and seeing if you’re a good fit. The problem lies with his reaction afterwards. Not responding to your ‘howdy’ text the following day is just plain rude (unless he is being held hostage or lying in a hospital bed in a coma) especially after you put yourself in a vulnerable position and stayed the night at his place. My advice? Move on. After four dates, if he’s really keen he should be chasing you pretty hard and planning ways to spend quality time with you, not demanding sex and then turning his phone off.
Also – in answer to your questions – you don’t have to go ‘all the way’ until you are really ready. That might be the first date or three months into the relationship. If it’s the right guy, he will stay on the hunt, regardless of whether you put out.
Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Charles 5 years ago

    Nice website!

  2. Pat Riarchy 7 years ago

    There is nothing worse than a female who manipulates a man with sex. That is exactly what you are doing. Either you find him hot or not. Clearly you don’t find him hot enough that you waould want him as much as he wants you. What your game playing has done is to show him that you are not as keen as he is so what’s the point.

    Keep up the game playing and you will be single forever. Men are fed up with it. We want to be treated equally like you have been screaming for over the last 50 years. When you females can grasp the notion of equality you might have a better chance with men.

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