How can I motivate my lazy fiance to get a job?

How can I motivate my lazy fiance to get a job?

motivate my fiance to get a jobMy wonderful boyfriend of two years and I are planning to get married. We’re both in our early twenties. The problem: he doesn’t have a job. In the past two years, he’s done some work for his family but he didn’t receive any money for it (he was supposed to).

His family and I all try to encourage him to get a job, and he has been applying for heaps, but I feel like he needs to try a bit harder and he’s quite spoilt as the baby of the family, used to having people help him out with things. He doesn’t have his driver’s licence either, even though his parents have been quite available to help. I try not to nag him ever, because I want him to get motivated himself (even though he hardly ever has money for anything).

However, I’m concerned because, now that we’re planning to get married, I want to know I am with a man who is motivated to earn money to live. We do want to stay with his parents for a bit to save up though, and we’re going to have a super cheap wedding, so it’s not about having lots of money right now – it’s more about knowing that he’s not lazy than anything else. I am set on being with him (he’s my soulmate and best friend), but how can I encourage him to start working and be more independent? Loved

I‘d be worried too, Loved. You’ve never known your boyfriend to have a steady job and a solid stream of income – yikes. You’re still young, but that should ring alarm bells for any bride-to-be. Not having a driver’s license also indicates a lack of ability to set a goal and follow through. I’m guessing you and his family do a hell of a lot of driving him around, right? I’ve been in that position, and boy, does it get tired quickly. No job, no house, no car. He must have one sparkling personality to have snared your affections so completely.

From your description, he sounds like the classic baby of the family. Able to cruise by on charm and sweetness, but lacking certain, er, life skills. Doing a bit of unpaid work for the family isn’t the same as heading out every day to a job (whatever that job may be). It means he hasn’t been able to save for trips, gifts or neccessities, feel a sense of pride in his work, fulfill ambitions in the workplace and meet commitments every day. You are 100 percent right to question his work ethic and to want to know what you’ve getting into long-term. Will he still be riding a pushie around when you have a baby on the way? Will he sit back and let you save, while you live with his folks (and Mum does his washing?)

That said, he’s your soulmate, and that’s rare as hen’s teeth, so it’s not about giving up on him – it’s about investing more in him and helping him live up to his promise. If I was you, I’d slow down that impending el cheapo wedding. There’s no rush, right? Is there any harm in extending your engagement for a year or two and seeing how things go on the work front? You could be totally upfront and say you want him to have found work before you tie the knot. It might provide some much needed incentive. Once he does get a full-time job, set some financial goals as a couple and work out a way (mutually) to set up your own marital home (or travel, or whatever floats your boats). And about that driver’s license – it’s time he sorted that one out, pronto. You’re not a taxi driver and need to cut him off for his own good. Frog march him into the RTA if you have to!

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Pat Riarchy 8 years ago

    How terrible. You don’t want him to bludge off you but I guarantee that you think it is right and proper that you bludge off him. I bet you think he should “provide” for you.

    So, in your mind it’s OK for you but not OK for him. This is what you call equality. This makes you a Female Chauvinist Pig because you refuse to treat genders equally.

    I would suggest you break up with him. He has set the tone of the relationship with equality which is not what you want. It will come back to haunt you if you don’t leave.

    You will have a kid and retire. You will think you are home and hosed with him paying the bills while you are having a wonderful time with your kid while bludging off him. Then he’ll lose his job and want to stay home with his kid as well.

    • Loved 8 years ago

      Wow, Pat, you really made some assumptions there…
      I don’t bludge off him and I don’t bludge off anybody. I work full-time to help support us as a couple and it’s difficult to do all the work alone. I want to marry an adult, I don’t want a “child” to look after. Him being a responsible adult would make us equals.

      Actually I’m surprised Reality Chick let this comment pass because you’re so full of vitriol with absolutely no basis and I’m starting to think you’re just a big troll

  2. Author
    reality chick 9 years ago

    That’s FAB news, Loved! Thanks for coming back and letting us know. Next stop, driver’s license, right? 🙂
    RC x

  3. Loved 9 years ago

    (a full-time one too… so proud of him)

  4. Loved 9 years ago

    He got a job!!! Woo hoo! Thanks for your advice realitychick 🙂

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