I‘ve been with my fiancé going on four years. He emailed his ex girlfriend a week ago and I saw a couple of messages between him and the ex where he was talking himself up by saying he has a job (he’s currently unemployed) and he’s been travelling and he’s going travelling. Should I be worried? They were together for 3 and a half years and he’s admitted he used to be in love with her. Meme
Yes, you probably should be concerned. He may not have any intention of going back to his ex, but there are some red flags flying right now. Firstly – he contacted her. Then he lied about where he’s at right now, by inventing a job and stamps in his passport. Everyone wants to make themselves appear happy and successful when they encounter an ex, but outright lies are a troublesome sign. Nip it in the bud. Admit you’ve seen a couple of the messages he sent and you know he’s been lying to his ex. You risk breaking the bond of trust that says ‘no snooping into your partner’s emails’ but then he’s the one who’s been contacting and lying to his ex. Presumably you’re in it for the long haul, and therefore being upfront, honest and transparent is really the name of the game here.
I know it’s probably the last thing you want to do, but you need to ask him several questions: 1) why he lied; 2) how he feels about making contact with someone he used to love after all these years and 3) why he felt the need to get back in touch with her. You could also try, gently, to gauge how his self esteem is travelling after he lost his job. Is he bored? Does he want to actually do the travelling he’s been inventing online? How can you work together to shake things up and improve his sense of worth so he doesn’t feel the need to lie about his life? Hopefully he will see you as the supportive partner you are, and give you some insight into how he’s feeling at the moment. Remember that a loss of a job can mean a huge loss of self confidence as well and he may really be struggling with being unemployed. Good luck, and let us know how you go.
Love, reality chick