Mad and sad at my long-distance boyfriend

Mad and sad at my long-distance boyfriend

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with this guy who used to live in another city – now we live in different countries. I’m going back to the country that he’s in at the end of the year so he said he’ll wait for me. Anyway, recently he told me over the phone that a girl (his sister’s friend) was grinding on him at their school formal. I was angry, furious!

He kept saying that it was just ‘dancing’ and telling me to kickback like it was nothing… he hung up on me because I didn’t say anything, I was too hurt and I don’t think he knew that. What do I do? Should I be this angry and sad? I haven’t talked to him since then and he hasn’t even bothered to call me… I miss him like crazy but a part of me is still pissed off! Please help. ME

That’s the trouble with long distance relationships – you’re apart, you’re missing each other, you’re pretty much living like a single person who isn’t single, all of which can mess with your head in a major way. I think you have to be made of strong stuff to make it work – and you also need to be a pretty decent communicator, because casual telephone chitchat about flirty high school students can quickly descend into madness, especially when you can’t be there to gauge the situation or his feelings about it in person.

It’s my hunch that the dance with the girl was a relatively innocent situation – if he wasn’t, chances are he wouldn’t have told you about it. Now he’s sitting on one side of the world thinking, ‘Dang, how did that phone call get so out of control?’ while you’re sitting on the other worrying that he’s a two-timing so-and-so who’s basically admitted his guilt by a) hanging up and b) not calling you back.  My opinion? His intention, clumsy as it was, was to be honest with you, and to reassure you that the dance he shared with a grinding high school skank was actually nothing for you to worry about. But when you gave him the silent treatment his knee-jerk reaction was to hang up. Not cool in any situation, but particularly bad when you can’t drive round to his place to sort it out face to face.

I think you’ll have to be the bigger person here. Call him and say you want to talk about the other night on the phone. Start on a positive note if possible. If you trust him, tell him that, but say that hearing about other girls putting the moves on him automatically makes you worry, just because you’re so far away. Hopefully that’ll open up a dialogue between you where you can hash out some ground rules (ie, dirty dancing with other people is OUT; hanging up during a fight is OUT – you get my drift). If things don’t go well, or if he gets defensive or tries to turn it around to make it your problem, you may have a problem, Houston. You’ll need to work out what you both want from the relationship and how committed you are to making it work. Ultimately, couples in long distance relationships need to connect regularly, be ok with talking about their feelings and be open to reassuring each other – probably way more than you would if your partner lived around the corner. I hope you guys can work it out.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

1 Comment

  1. You Deserve Better 5 years ago

    I’ve been with guys like that. And sooner or later, you’ll realize that the world is full of wonderful guys who have too much respect for you to do such a thing and hope that you shrug it off or call you a drama queen if you make any slight deal out of the matter. Look at how your “boyfriend” acted. Sit back and think seriously. Is HE really the one you want to be with after all he’s done? It’s natural that you miss him since you must be accustomed to his presence. But sooner or later, you’ll realize that you’re being a doormat when you start “forgiving” his faults all too easily. The most important thing you need to do here is to step back and look at it from a third-person perspective. Identify what you did wrong (nothing) and what he did wrong (grinding against another girl and not kindly responding to your anger). I think you’re justifiably pissed off (I mean, hello, has anyone watched Dirty Dancing?) and if you don’t believe me, try going out one night and grind-dance with every male being on the dance floor and let that known to your so-called boyfriend. And then see if he’s not being more drama queen than you. Good luck sweetie! Be confident in yourself. You DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER and always will!

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