MANSWERS: Fifty Shades is making my sex life look totally inadequate

MANSWERS: Fifty Shades is making my sex life look totally inadequate


My friends are all hot and bothered over Fifty Shades and while I’m finding it hot, I was already feeling depressed over my sex life and now I’m left nostalgic, frustrated and lonely on an entirely deeper level.

My man is utterly sweet. He doesn’t like to ‘rough’ me up at all or have anything but ‘vanilla’ sex. Am I a total bitch to complain? He tries hard to please me and while there is no doubt I love him, I really really wish he turned me on more. (He has tried to be more dominant and forceful but unfortunately as it’s not in him to play the bad guy, it turns me off a little bit more.)

I know that I have a rather warped idea of what’s hot and that I’ve been spoiled by passed lovers who knew just what I needed in that area, but at the end of the day I guess my question is, am I just being completely shallow and am I too rotten for this sweet guy? Give it to me blunt. Thanks. Toni

Blunt answer? It’s a compatibility thing. Sweet as this guy is, he doesn’t rock your world in the way you need it rocked, and when he tries, he actually turns you OFF. Because you know it’s not in him to be that guy. You can’t fake that stuff. It’s sad, but hiding or sacrificing your true sexual needs for a lifetime would be a far bigger tragedy than acknowledging you just don’t click in that department, and getting out now.

Love, reality chick

Manswers Man BB says… Toni, what’s wrong with vanilla sex? Plenty, by the sound of your sexual appetite! You love him, but let’s face facts, when it comes to sex he’s a limp piece of lettuce and you’re a Jalapeno chilli. Can these two ingredients work in the bedroom? I’m not so sure. As your bloke is the sweet, gentle type (ironically what loads of ladies would kill for), no amount of him playing the bad guy is going to push your buttons. The real question here is how important sex is in your relationship, and only you can answer that. I reckon you either need to decide you can settle for so-so sex, or move on. Otherwise, do what millions of blokes do and fulfil your needs from the internet.

Manswers Man Dr Phil says… Whilst girls love bad boys, it’s normally far preferable to live with a good guy who treats you right. But at what price? You’re definitely entitled to a fulfilled sex life and if something is lacking you should voice your concerns, which is easier said than done without hurting feelings your guy’s feelings / possibly making him feel emasculated. It’s a tough one. He hasn’t necessarily got it in him to break out of the ‘vanilla’ sex and when he’s tried it’s made things worse. What to do? It’s not shallow to expect good sex – it’s an important element in a relationship and can be a good gauge of its health. I reckon if there’s some spark in the sack initially it can gradually develop, but it has to be there from the start.

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Lola 7 years ago

    For some really good erotic reads, go to: mysexlifewithlola

  2. Lola 8 years ago

    I agree with Dr Phil: if there’s a spark from the start, good sex can gradually come back. However, there’s a recurring theme in Toni’s message: that of the “good guy”. Some of us seem to jump from a sexy devil to a “good guy”. I wonder if a) mum’s advice ends up taking over; b) after having a “bad guy” in our lives, we yearn for the safety and the certainty that a “good guy” can bring in; or c) whether we’re naïve enough to believe that high-voltage sex will last forever. Whatever it is, I believe we have to factor a number of things in: the flame of love and eroticism is not as everlasting as we believe it to be, and everyday life stress also plays a role when we lose the spark. Sometimes love and eroticism are more like a pilot flame; sometimes they are more like a low, steady flame that keeps us warm, and sometimes they feel like an all-consuming bonfire.
    Esther Perel, in her book “Mating in Captivity”, gives us a picture of how sexuality can change, sometimes as soon as we get that engagement ring. BTW, her book isn’t another self-help manual; it’s an erudite piece, based on her experience as a sex therapist.
    Toni, in any case I reckon that you need to have a conversation with your partner. Maybe reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” together could work… I don’t know. I used to read erotic short stories in bed with a former partner, and we’d end up having sexual marathons that still bring a smile to my face (and get some juices flowing elsewhere). All the best.

  3. Mary 8 years ago

    My man was the same….boring as bat shit but then I just kept on stating what I wanted.
    I would grab him by the neck and say that’s how you hold onto me while giving it to me fuck ya.
    He manned up and now sex is awesome (now if only the frequency could be picked up a bit)

    • Author
      reality chick 8 years ago

      Hey Mary, thanks for that! Glad it was a fixable situation with your guy.

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