MANSWERS: He loves his laptop more than me. Is our marriage doomed?

MANSWERS: He loves his laptop more than me. Is our marriage doomed?

I‘ve married my husband when I was 23 and him 25. We’ve had our ups and downs and moved to Australia two years ago which was hard at first but now we’re citizens. A lot has changed in the ten years we’ve been together.

Firstly, my husband works long hours. Doesn’t phone me to say hi during the day or anything. And when he gets home (late), he continues to work, on his laptop, on a ‘project’ learning new things. After ignoring me all evening, he then wants sex when we go to bed. I haven’t been working for the last 5 years as I’m taking care of our daughter and my only ME time is a daily gym visit.

I realise we have big problems. I told him that I don’t want him to spend hours on his laptop anymore and he said that his project is his hobby and he’ll never stop. I told him we need to spend more time together and it changes for a while but then goes back to how it’s been. I feel taken for granted and I hate it. Muddying the waters further is the fact that I have developed a massive crush on my physiotherapist and I think he likes me too.

I’m tired of reminding my husband to make me feel desirable, appreciated, happy (an ongoing conversation). I’m very confused and unhappy, should I stay in this marriage? Christina

Don’t bonk your physiotherapist. Bad move. Do, however, tell your husband that it’s time he set limits on his laptop love affair and started talking to you or you can both go and talk to a counsellor. Or failing that, a divorce lawyer. Let’s see what the Manswers Men think.

Love, reality chick

Manswers Man DrPhil says … “Moving to Australia is a big move that you guys did together and it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. You have a kid, which always makes these decisions harder. For comparison’s sake, I ring my wife pretty much every day from work – and although I research a lot for my job in the evenings I make time to talk to and enjoy my wife’s company – because I want to. Expecting sex when ignoring you otherwise is not good and I can see how you feel used. Hinting that other men are interested might seem like a good idea at the time, but be warned: jealousy isn’t a pretty or positive thing to bring into your relationship. That said, it sounds to me like he needs a jolt. Leaving, of course, is an option. You deserve to enjoy your life and if you’re not and you’ve tried to make it better and it’s not getting better, maybe an it’s time for an ultimatum.”

Manswers Man BB says … “I read somewhere that a relationship is like a house. It requires constant maintenance otherwise it will fall apart. And, while it’s true that both parties need to contribute to the ‘housework’, I really think your man’s not upholding his end of the bargain. ‘Doesn’t phone me to say hi’ is typical bloke behaviour and more thoughtless than heartless, but ignoring you and then wanting to play hide the sausage is just rude. Is this because he’s reasonably happy in his existence and just totally unaware of your unhappiness, or could he be in a rut where work is masking his unhappiness in the relationship? It sounds as though his life has remained virtually the same, whereas you’ve had to adjust your life to look after the child you both created. The real litmus test is whether you still like being in each other’s company. Moreover, is the relationship worth fighting for? I know your daughter is a HUGE consideration when answering this question but a couple living a miserable life together is not a recipe for well-balanced child. If you feel you guys do still have a connection, why not limit the laptop time to one hour per night and then spend some quality time together, no TV, just talking. If he’s not willing to even try this he’s not being fair dinkum and he doesn’t deserve you. And on the whole physiotherapist crush, be warned: it’s especially dangerous when you’re not receiving attention and someone does show you affection. But a minute’s pleasure can really muddy the waters in your marriage.”


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

1 Comment

  1. Cristina 6 years ago

    Hi everyone and thanks for you advices on the matter.

    I just wanted to add the I did address my unhappiness (with loads of tears as well) he knows very well how I feel, perhaps the fact that I keep holding myself together (for both my sanity and our child sake) makes him think that everything is under control like it’s always been.
    In regards of limiting the laptop time, well, time has always been an issue. He always says he’s going to take 10 mins but after an hour he’s still there… It’s always been this way and I’ve always complained about it. If he’s at the office and he runs awfully late after swearing to be out of there in 10, he doesn’t call or text to say “hey, sorry I can’t be there as soon as I said earlier” .. He genuinely loses the sense of time but I think (and told him) that he just can’t do that, he could afford to act like that if he was by himself but he’s not.

    As per the Physio thing it feels complicated.
    My thoughts patterns are:
    • I’m married and I have a child
    • I need to sort my issues out I don’t need another one
    • why on earth would he be interested in someone like me? (I know he’s single)
    • but what if he likes me?
    • what are the chances??

    I can’t find a solution.

    I know he worries about me but he knows very little about my marriage issues, however he says that I deserve to be happy. He remembers things I told him some time back and I sense attraction however he’s been professional.
    Maybe if I confront him I can get over this crush? Kind of need a massive ego shock here.
    I asked him more than once if it was time to stop seeing him and he answers that I should do whatever I think is best, why doesn’t he say “yes, I think you’re fine now” I mean I think he knows what happens here (my heart rate goes crazy, I blush, I can’t speak properly) you have to be stupid not to understand, so why doesn’t he just tell me that I don’t need him anymore???

    I know I’m a mess, but glad to receive your comments. Not telling anybody is driving me crazy

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