I’ve been seeing this lad for over a year, and we live together. The problem is, I keep catching him speaking and pestering girls on the internet. We tried de-activating Facebook so he wouldn’t do it, but he joined another social website and messaged so many girls saying rude things to them. (The girls weren’t replying).
I pretended I didn’t see it because it has happened about four times now and each time it hurts me so bad. The thing is, he’s such a quiet reserved lad that he won’t speak to girls to their face … just online. When I ask why he does it, he breaks down and doesn’t know why. Is this an attention-seeking thing? Something to do with low self-esteem? Or am I wasting my time with him? I love the guy to bits but can’t see there being any trust or future between us if he can’t actually change this behaviour. What do the Manswers think? Heartbreak Girl
Eeek. This is the first time we’ve ever been asked this question. Your guy sounds like he’s in the grip of a serious and very anti-social compulsion. It’s icky, and awful for you, and definitely not something that you should pretend you don’t see just to avoid rocking the boat.
I get that you love him, but there’s no future if he can’t sort out his issues. You’ve tried fixing the behaviour together, but it didn’t work (just as an aside, I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall for your ‘I’m de-activating your Facebook account, you creepy weirdo!’ conversation). Next step? Well, you could get a professional involved, and make it non-negotiable, but here’s the thing: do you really want to be dealing with this kind of thing – which could be bigger than you even know about – when you’ve only been dating someone a year? I’d do some serious soul-searching about that.
Love, reality chick
Manswers Man T-Bone says…“Rude things? Like ‘I’d like to see your bot-bot’ or ‘That dress has the dimensions of a Ringling Bros big top’? Funnier if the latter. Look, Heartbreak Girl, the bloke’s a Porn-Again Net Nerd and you are wasting your time with him. This sort of worrying behaviour isn’t going to change and he clearly has deep-seated issues with women. Unplug him, once and for all.”
Manswers Man BB says… “The fact that he is like this online suggests there are two sides to your man: shy and reserved in person, smutty and creepy behind his computer screen. You’ve talked about it, you’ve taken steps to stop it but it keeps on happening. Move on sister, you deserve better.”
Manswers Man Dr Phil says… “This is stalker-like behaviour. What kind of rude things is he saying? Are they snubs about the girls’ appearances or sexual in nature – or both? Without wanting to create excuses for this inexcusable behavior, it may be that he has had trouble with women (such as his mother!) in the past and is exacting some sort of revenge. Or maybe he has always been shy like you say and can’t communicate with women, creating frustration and anger directed at them. The problem with this sort of behavior is that it is addictive and, unchecked, will probably grow worse over time. Plus, without getting paranoid, you’ve got to wonder if it’s the tip of an iceberg. You need to get to the root cause which involves him opening up about a taboo (difficult), and then curbing his addiction to the behaviour (extremely difficult in any context).”