MANSWERS: Help! Trying to be ‘sexy’ makes me feel silly

MANSWERS: Help! Trying to be ‘sexy’ makes me feel silly

sexyHi! I’m a 20 year old woman in the UK. My boyfriend and I have been together for around a year now. At 8 months I had to move to England from our home country for university and so we’re in a long distance relationship. My problem is that I feel just ridiculous every time I try to be sexy. I’m scared to bring up new things in case he doesn’t like them, and I can’t get around it. Before leaving I took some ‘private’ photos for him but I went bright red when he found them, and I don’t know why! I love him so much and trust and feel more comfortable than I have with any of the people in my previous relationships, there’s just something about being raunchy in front of him that frightens the life out of me! Can anyone give me any advice on how to possibly get around this? I’m going home next week and I want to show him a good time! We only get 3 weeks together and then I leave again for 5 months! I don’t want to lose him! VC

I hear ya, but you know that saying, feel the fear and do it anyway? It really applies here. Sure, it’s normal to feel shy or even a little ridiculous bringing out your inner bad girl to the guy you love. You can feel like there’s a lot riding on it, revealing your ‘raunchy’ side. You want him to embrace it, love you for it, not judge you – and all too often there’s that fear that maybe, just maybe, he’s not going to be cool with it, with your body, with your fantasies, or whatever else you’re worried about. And you’re not alone – in a European survey a few years ago, 22 percent of women said they wouldn’t undress in front of their partner and 16 percent admitted they were too shy to wear sexy underwear. Which is just nuts. The thing is, being long distance calls for a bit of creativity. I love that you did some saucy photos, and I’m sure he did too, even if he didn’t say much. Baby steps, VC. Next up, I’d add in the odd sexy text. If your texts are well-received, email him a detailed fantasy (and encourage him to do the same) of what you want to do with him next time you’re together. It’s those little things that are going to keep the fires stoked, keep the interest high – and you guys in a state of constant anticipation, love – and lust. Let’s see what the Manswers guys think.
Love, reality chick

Manswers Man Dr Phil says… One question to ask is: is it you or him? When you felt embarrassed when he found your ‘private’ photos- was he embarrassed too, or did he like them? – being a bloke I’m guessing latter option. Is it possible that you don’t want to scare him away by being raunchy/sexy because you are afraid that he might think you are, for the want of a better word and please pardon the expression – a slut? If so, ditch that idea right now. Love and trust are core in a relationship but so too is sexuality/good sex- often a gauge of how a relationship is tracking. Be brave! Easier said than done perhaps, but again, being a guy, you can bet that he will welcome any sexual advances, whatever form they come in!

Manswers Man Mr E says… Long distance relationships can be challenging at the best of times, but the main thing is to remember what makes you want to be with that person in the first place and find ways to re-live those thoughts as often as you can. You should never feel ridiculous in front of anyone that you love, but we all try things that we aren’t sure how even the closest people will react to. You may find that it makes it easier to be able to laugh at yourself to break that nervous feeling. Being sexy is fun and fun times are the best times, so don’t be afraid to go on a limb, but be ready to laugh it off if it doesn’t play out exactly like you thought it would. Sending each other, how shall we put it, “artistic photos” is a one way to keep the memories and increase the longing for the times when you can be together. But creating a memory of a special time together will be an even more powerful emotional link in your relationship, and something that you can talk and reminisce about when you aren’t together. Don’t be afraid, be bold and may your future memories be great memories.

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

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