I‘m back on the dating scene after a long while and while I keep meeting nice guys, I’m finding quite a few just won’t pay – for dinner, or to buy me a drink – even after asking me out. More baffling is that the non-payers will tell me in the same breath that they really like me and want to see me again. But I have no desire to after seeing that possibly mean side of their character. I’m no gold digger and have no problem taking turns AT ALL but for a first date and if he’s done the asking should he be taking care of the bill? What do you and the Manswers men think? Disillusioned Dating Gal
Reality Chick says… I’m all for taking turns too, but I think on first dates, whoever asks should pay. I still remember a shocker date I went on (and yes, he asked ME out) during which the guy didn’t put his hand in his pocket once all night. I bought the drinks, movie tickets, popcorn, more drinks… I was worried he even expected me to hand him cash for his cab home! (When he phoned the next day to ask me out again I was truly speechless.) The dating scene has changed a lot, but – rightly or wrongly – I think many women still judge a guy’s character by his generosity on that first date.
Dr Phil says… As a man, my intuitive response to this is yes, he should pay. Sure, gender equality and women’s rights have progressed which is a great thing, but somehow bill paying on a romantic date – especially the first one – should still fall to the guy. It’s part of the wooing process, it shows you give a shit, that you’re willing to splash out on her and that you care more about seeing her next time than you do about penny-pinching. Ultimately, I guess my answer comes from a sense of tradition, and I think some traditions tend to endure for a reason. And if these guys want to see you again they need to man the fuck up and get their wallets out.
Mr M says… My view is that if a guy asks a girl on a date he pays. Basic stuff, but if you’re looking for a gentleman it’s fundamental. If you ask him out, it’d be nice if he at least offered, but probably not a deal breaker. What do I think about the phenomenon of men actively not paying? Could be equality gone crazy with guys starting to think that in some perverse way it shows respect for a woman when they let them pay. If this is the case, then the guy in question is far too calculating and influenced by what he perceives as being politically correct. And it’s not the right way to start a genuine relationship if you’re looking for a guy that knows what he stands for in the world. On the other hand, he could be genuinely tight and either not aware of the impression that he’s giving out, or actually intending to give it. Either way, a guy like this isn’t a person you’d choose to develop a relationship with, so move on.
Old Fashioned Mr E says…Your observation about men not wanting to pay is indeed disturbing, but also, I fear, symptomatic of modern society. Ten years ago, the idea of ‘going dutch’ was less common, and it was not always received with a smile when suggested. Call me old fashioned but I’m with you on this one. Back when I was a young man about town it was the norm to be picking up the bill for dinner and drinks when entertaining a young lady. First dates are about getting to know each other before any relationship is truly formed. And if they’re doing the chasing, they should surely pay the bill or at least offer. By no means should this be seen as a precedent to future dates, but in the early days I personally think it’s still the gentleman’s obligation. P.S. Mrs E never paid a dime when we dated so it does work. 🙂
BB says…Couldn’t agree with you more Disillusioned. I haven’t been on the dating scene for ever but I would have thought the bloke paying on the first date is a given. If they can’t pay on the first date, they don’t get a second chance.