I have a big issue. My fiance is addicted to dope and I don’t know how to help him. He is always in need of money and when he doesn’t have it or the dope he has a really bad temper. We both have two kids, I can’t afford it, he doesn’t work and I am the one that brings the money to the house.
He says that I control him and that I don’t give him space … he leaves with his friends and doesn’t come home til two or three in the morning just because I don’t give money and he knows if he goes over there they can sort him out. I’m going crazy with his addiction. I sometimes just want to call it quits but I love him dearly. What can I do to help him and help me? I’m stressed out and depressed about this and to be honest I just want to give up. Maria
Reality Chick says… What is this guy bringing to your relationship – I mean, honestly? Would your life be any worse without him in it? Is his addiction, inability to work and bring in money and temper tantrums really the behaviour you want modelled to your kids? Love isn’t a cure-all when it comes to addiction, Maria, and I really think you need to think about not whether you can help him, but whether you want to marry him.
Manswers Man Dr Phil says… It’s one thing enjoying the odd joint, but being addicted to dope and not being able to afford it highlights a more practical problem of priorities – especially when kids are involved. Whilst smoking dope is fun at first, long term use builds tolerance and it’s not as fun as doing it occasionally (but it’s easier said than done to say no to it). He may be smoking to escape his situation, as dope lends itself to that.
Your fiance getting a job would be a good start, would no doubt raise his self esteem and raise some needed cash, which would also pay towards the kids and alleviate the need to sponge off his nearest and dearest (including his mates). Dope addiction is primarily mentally addictive, tobacco addiction aside – and once you get over the initial hurdle of not smoking for say, one day, or a whole weekend it does get easier. Associating dope with certain days – like Friday or the weekend – gradually dissipates. You might find an ultimatum is in order if, for example, he wants to marry you. That might be that you want to him to give it up. Or at least cut down and pay for his own gear. Ultimately, I really do think his finding work may give him less of a reason to escape, provide for his kids and ultimately grow up and man up.