MANSWERS: Should I give up on my dope-addicted fiance?

MANSWERS: Should I give up on my dope-addicted fiance?

manswers fiance addicted to pot post3I have a big issue. My fiance is addicted to dope and I don’t know how to help him. He is always in need of money and when he doesn’t have it or the dope he has a really bad temper. We both have two kids, I can’t afford it, he doesn’t work and I am the one that brings the money to the house.

He says that I control him and that I don’t give him space … he leaves with his friends and doesn’t come home til two or three in the morning just because I don’t give money and he knows if he goes over there they can sort him out. I’m going crazy with his addiction. I sometimes just want to call it quits but I love him dearly. What can I do to help him and help me? I’m stressed out and depressed about this and to be honest I just want to give up. Maria

Reality Chick says… What is this guy bringing to your relationship – I mean, honestly? Would your life be any worse without him in it? Is his addiction, inability to work and bring in money and temper tantrums really the behaviour you want modelled to your kids? Love isn’t a cure-all when it comes to addiction, Maria, and I really think you need to think about not whether you can help him, but whether you want to marry him.

Manswers Man Dr Phil says… It’s one thing enjoying the odd joint, but being addicted to dope and not being able to afford it highlights a more practical problem of priorities – especially when kids are involved. Whilst smoking dope is fun at first, long term use builds tolerance and it’s not as fun as doing it occasionally (but it’s easier said than done to say no to it). He may be smoking to escape his situation, as dope lends itself to that.

Your fiance getting a job would be a good start, would no doubt raise his self esteem and raise some needed cash, which would also pay towards the kids and alleviate the need to sponge off his nearest and dearest (including his mates). Dope addiction is primarily mentally addictive, tobacco addiction aside – and once you get over the initial hurdle of not smoking for say, one day, or a whole weekend it does get easier. Associating dope with certain days – like Friday or the weekend – gradually dissipates. You might find an ultimatum is in order if, for example, he wants to marry you. That might be that you want to him to give it up. Or at least cut down and pay for his own gear. Ultimately, I really do think his finding work may give him less of a reason to escape, provide for his kids and ultimately grow up and man up.

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. BadKitty 7 years ago

    The kerb could not be reached fast enough for this person to be kicked to.

    It’s one thing to occasionally like pot, or any substance for that matter . . it’s another to spend all day and night looking for it and then when you get it likely wiping yourself out and going into some cone coma whilst life moves on around you. I’ve met the type and it’s no fun for anyone around them.

    Giving ANY crutch such as “he does this to block out the pain” or “this helps him deal with his issues” is just giving him an excuse. Get out of the situation as fast as you can.

    IF he wants that “one last chance” . . give it to him after you’ve moved on. I bet it doesnt last. “Im gunna give up pot as soon as I finish this bag” too commonly heard.

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