MANSWERS: We used to have great sex but not anymore. Is this the end?

MANSWERS: We used to have great sex but not anymore. Is this the end?
MANSWERS: We used to have great sex but now we don’t. Is this the end?

So, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I’m 21 and he’s 22. We used to have sex like crazy, but for the past few years we’ve only been having sex once every 2 months. And when we do, I generally want it to be over because it either a) hurts or b) I find him and the whole thing awkward. I love him and couldn’t imagine leaving him but sometimes I wonder. I want to want sex but I just don’t anymore. We use to be able to make out and have sex and it was so amazing. I don’t even like making out with him anymore. It just feels so awkward, like he forgot how to kiss. I don’t know what to do or how to change what’s going on, but I know it’s not healthy. Can you and the Manswers Men help? Taylor

Reality Chick says… Something’s going on for you guys. You’ve drifted into a sexless relationship and let it drag on for years. That’s not good. See a doctor in regards to the pain, but be aware that it could be psychological: ie, you’ve lost that lust for him, you hate kissing him and when sex is on the menu your body responds accordingly. From where I’m sitting it looks sadly like your relationship has run its course, which happens when you’re young and changing and growing so much. Hard as it is, the time has come to take action – whether that’s opening up Pandora’s box and talking about it, or breaking up.

Manswers Man Mr E says… Too often we don’t talk about things that are so important to us. I understand that you’re feeling awkward intimacy-wise, but are you second-guessing your boyfriend’s feelings, too? Have you spoken to a doctor about the pain? Have you asked your boyfriend straight out if something’s wrong? Does he know that sex hurts for you at the moment (compared to when it was good between you)? If he does, then maybe you’re mistaking the awkwardness for hesitation on his part while he tries to make sure not to hurt you again.  Either way, you’ve GOT to communicate about this to resolve it. Let it continue and it’ll only drive a wedge between you both, making it far harder to recover. Plus, if your boyfriend is a sensitive guy, tread carefully – he may be blaming himself for something that he hasn’t done and that alone could be making you both feel awkward towards one another.

Manswers Man Dr Phil says..Do YOU still feel like sex? Just not with him currently? The answer to that question is key. If it’s a sex-in-general issue, then maybe something is up in your life – be it physical (eg libido) or psychological. If the issue is sex with him it’s possible that you’re not the (sole) cause. To throw a few of many possibilities out there (without wanting to stir up something that doesn’t exist), could it be that he’s bored with the sex after 6 years? Could he be looking elsewhere? Or experiencing a shift in his sexuality? All big questions, I know – but it’s hard for us to decipher what’s going on without much to go on. Talking about it is easier said than done but if you’re only having sex once every 2 months, you haven’t got much to lose by starting the conversation (and he may need to be prodded into talking about it, so you’ll have to be the instigator here). Maybe you should also look into counselling if you think the relationship is worth it. If not, then move on. You’re young and there’s a whole world out there with plenty of people in it.

Manswers Man BB says… Truth, Taylor? It’s over. O-V-A. A mutual interest in sex between teenagers only goes so far. In your early twenties you guys should be viewing sex as the icing on a not-so-complicated relationship cake rather than the cornerstone. Most teeny relationships that go the distance are forged on a love of naughty stuff with a mate that evolves into a connection with a soulmate, and it seems like you’ve lost that loving feelin’. The language you use suggests you need to have a break from each other to assess whether you’re right together. It’s often been said that sex isn’t everything but it’s a good indicator, and in the case of you and your guy, something needs to change. Big time.

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

1 Comment

  1. K 6 years ago

    It’s easy for everyone to say the relationship is finished, but good things take time and a lot of hard work.

    What I would suggest is for the both of you to get initimate with each other again and not sexually – without the thought of sex. Hold each other’s hands while sitting on the couch. Caress each other’s legs, arms , bodies. Let him give you a massage and vice versa. You can do this for days, but hold out on sex until it feels really right. Doing the little things helps and really add up to the big picture.

    Your pain simply meàns that, physically, you are not ready to have sex with him. Mentally, you want to, you love him, but the balance is not there. The body and mind have to match up and be in harmony, otherwise you won’t lubricate and that’s what hurts. You have to be completely open and willing to accept him into your body.

    On the same token, it is a mutual endeavour. You want to be treated like a goddess and he wants to know he can please you. So start talking to each other. Discover each other’s bodies again.

    Remember, you are not looking for lust – you are seeking passion and there is a difference.

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