My boyfriend (who is 10 years older) have been together for a year now. We met over the internet and after some casual sex, we fell in love. I’ve never been in a relationship before (I’m 25) but he is much more experienced.
We have a policy of brutal honesty and I asked him how many men he’d slept with before me. The answer was brutal: from his 23 to his 25, he slept with more than 500 guys! Ten years later, his amount of one night stands reach something like 1000 guys. This was really hard for me to hear. I try to deal with it, but there are moments when images pop up in my head and I can help picturing him with other guys. This makes me sick and on the top of that, it makes me wonder sometimes if I missed something by not sleeping around.
For the first time I feel I’m able to commit to someone who really loves me. He told me those guys were nothing more than flesh, that for the first time in years he is able to feel a bond with someone else. I know I can trust him, I know he can make me happy for the years to come, but my head just doesn’t want this to happen. What can I do? Leon
Leon, Leon, Leon. The ‘Numbers Conversation’ is ALWAYS a bad idea. We’ve had lots of people come to us for help with this very dilemma: i.e. knowing too much about their partner’s sexual history, finding it hard to deal with and accept. It’s our ahem, number one question. And we pretty much always say the same thing to readers stressing over the notches in their partner’s bedpost: get over it, enjoy the loving relationship you have right now and stop dwelling on the past.
What’s done is done, and your boyfriend’s past has nothing to do with your future or the way that person makes you feel right now.
Your current relationship seems lovely. How amazing that you and your boyfriend share a bond, honesty and trust as well as having the hots for one another. Of course you know as well as I do that this is what you should be focusing on. Not imagining your partner in a sexual Twister game with hundreds of naked bodies. BUT – we will concede that you have a higher that average number to deal with here. Five hundred guys in two years is an awful lot of loving. And 1000 is even more full-on. However did he find time to go to work or do any household chores? He must have been in a permanent state of undress.
We’re not at all surprised that you dwell on these figures and also sometimes feel a little left behind. You’re young and your boyfriend is your first partner. You must be curious about other sexual shenanigans. But take our advice – don’t go looking for greener pastures unless you’re sure that’s what you want to do. One night stands are nothing compared with the gorgeous, open love that you have with your man. It might be an idea to go see a counsellor to talk over some strategies for letting this issue go. Hopefully they can help you focus on what you have – a committed, mature guy who is able to tell you the truth about his past and has the potential to make you smile for years to come.
Love, reality chick