Hi RC. I have an issue I need advice on. I’ve been with my fiance for five and a half years and we’ve known each other for eight. We had our second child two months ago. Anyway, he is heading interstate next week for a work conference, and I found out, via his emails, that he has contacted a shemale for an in-house visit (although he is yet to set it up with a day/time).
I’ve known that he’s got a secret interest in transsexuals and have told him that if he wants to experiment that all he has to do is talk to me. I’d be willing to let him experiment. But, he’s gone ahead and organised it without talking to me. I am really after advice on how to confront him if he does go through with it. He knows I’ve been cheated on before and he knows my feelings. So what do I do about the broken trust? WTF
Interesting dilemma. You’ve been cheated on before (which can mess with one’s head). And you’re now engaged to the father of your kids – who has a secret fetish. Clearly it’s not a secret between you. In fact, you seem ok with giving your guy a little rope to explore something he’s into – but it comes at a price: full disclosure. Fair enough. Other women might be less than impressed about their dude having a pre-organised Hangover II moment but really, relationships should be negotiated by what works for the couple in question.
Why didn’t he tell you he set up the meeting with the shemale? Maybe that’s part of the thrill for him – the secrecy. Were you justified for hacking into his email when you had a hunch he was up to something? Some would say yes. People who’ve been cheated on before have a highly tuned betrayal antenna and can be determined, by any means possible, to ensure they’re never ‘the last to know’ again. Maybe you did it because you felt you were in the dark and it was the only option available to you. Or maybe you’ve always checked his emails ‘just in case’ he’s up to something. I can’t say, although if the latter is true, it’s a worry.
Emails and secret assignations aside, the issue here boils down to one thing: the trust between you. Frankly, there is none. He went behind your back. You went behind his to find out he went behind yours. At the risk of simplifying things, I’d suggest that neither of you can assume the moral high ground here. Instead, you guys really need to sit down together and acknowledge that you’re at a crossroads as a couple. Do you want to re-establish a solid bond and trust? It’ll take time and effort and you’ll both have to work at it. You’ll also have to set up boundaries as to what’s OK and what’s not (especially if he’s planning to set up future shemale meetings). But being parents of two little kids, you owe it to them to try.
Love, reality chick