My fiance is into shemales and he’s broken my trust

My fiance is into shemales and he’s broken my trust

Hi RC. I have an issue I need advice on. I’ve been with my fiance for five and a half years and we’ve known each other for eight. We had our second child two months ago. Anyway, he is heading interstate next week for a work conference, and I found out, via his emails, that he has contacted a shemale for an in-house visit (although he is yet to set it up with a day/time).

I’ve known that he’s got a secret interest in transsexuals and have told him that if he wants to experiment that all he has to do is talk to me. I’d be willing to let him experiment. But, he’s gone ahead and organised it without talking to me. I am really after advice on how to confront him if he does go through with it. He knows I’ve been cheated on before and he knows my feelings. So what do I do about the broken trust? WTF

Interesting dilemma. You’ve been cheated on before (which can mess with one’s head). And you’re now engaged to the father of your kids – who has a secret fetish. Clearly it’s not a secret between you. In fact, you seem ok with giving your guy a little rope to explore something he’s into – but it comes at a price: full disclosure. Fair enough. Other women might be less than impressed about their dude having a pre-organised Hangover II moment but really, relationships should be negotiated by what works for the couple in question.

Why didn’t he tell you he set up the meeting with the shemale? Maybe that’s part of the thrill for him – the secrecy. Were you justified for hacking into his email when you had a hunch he was up to something? Some would say yes. People who’ve been cheated on before have a highly tuned betrayal antenna and can be determined, by any means possible, to ensure they’re never ‘the last to know’ again. Maybe you did it because you felt you were in the dark and it was the only option available to you. Or maybe you’ve always checked his emails ‘just in case’ he’s up to something. I can’t say, although if the latter is true, it’s a worry.

Emails and secret assignations aside, the issue here boils down to one thing: the trust between you. Frankly, there is none. He went behind your back. You went behind his to find out he went behind yours. At the risk of simplifying things, I’d suggest that neither of you can assume the moral high ground here. Instead, you guys really need to sit down together and acknowledge that you’re at a crossroads as a couple. Do you want to re-establish a solid bond and trust? It’ll take time and effort and you’ll both have to work at it. You’ll also have to set up boundaries as to what’s OK and what’s not (especially if he’s planning to set up future shemale meetings). But being parents of two little kids, you owe it to them to try.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. kitty 10 years ago

    oh goodness WTF, you are an amazing woman to put up with this uncertainty about your partner’s sexual preferences and his curiosity to take his fetish to a very real place. I hope the love you have for each other and your child is enough to see you through…

  2. Author
    reality chick 10 years ago

    Sheesh, sounds like a hellish week…
    I hope you guys can work it out. Let us know how it goes! RC X

  3. WTF 10 years ago

    Hi again RC

    We did have a talk and he explained that he did it really out of curiosity to see how quickly he’d hear back from them which seemed really like an excuse. I told him how I felt about the whole thing and he felt awful that I had been sitting on it for so long. He claims he’s not interested in taking it further.

    The next day he took the day off work and we just hung out. I had an afternoon sleep and woke up to find he’d still been looking at shemale escorts. That night when he was putting our son to bed, I snuck out of the house and left him with a letter telling him it was over. About how betrayed I felt that he didn’t feel as though he could confide in me about whatever his sexual preference was or at least be honest with me about this fetish. Needless to say he was shocked and devastated that I would leave him.

    He called me and we had another big talk and really cleared the air this time. He now truly understands my point of view.

    He comes home from his trip tonight and I haven’t seen any indication that he’s done anything which has been reassuring. I’m hoping that since he’s been away and missed me so much that we can rebuild our trust and make our relationship stronger than ever, because after all we are still very much in love.

  4. Author
    reality chick 10 years ago

    Hi there WTF, thanks for writing back to clarify that. Have you talked to your fiance yet about it all? RC x

  5. WTF 10 years ago

    Hi, I just wanted to add I wasnt snooping.

    Was looking at his new phone to see if I wanted to upgrade to a similar one so was looking at all of the apps.

    Thanks for respomding xx

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