My fiance’s temper is freaking me out

My fiance’s temper is freaking me out

Hello, hoping you can help. I’m engaged, but I think I’m getting cold feet due to my fiance’s temper. It has become worse over the years (or he’s just less able to control it). He has extreme road rage towards other drivers whenever we’re in the car and even on the footpath he often makes it difficult for others to pass us. He simmers and sulks if I hang back to let others by.

He has never hit me, but he has shoved me a few times, when I’ve pissed him off. If I try to reason with him (mainly over being rude to people) he just says he’s in the right. I love him, but I’m more and more scared of his unpredictability and I do feel like I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells. He has a chip on his shoulder about a lot of things but when he’s happy with his life, everything’s so good. Am I an idiot if I marry someone like this, or can people change? Anna

Sure, people change. Abusive, nasty bullies who believe they’re always right might find it harder to change than people who actually acknowledge they have a problem. Would you be an idiot for marrying someone like this? What do you think? Who the hell wants to be married to a guy who may end up punching your face in? Add kids, money worries and life’s other curve balls to the marital mix and something tells me that in time, he won’t be content with shoving you occasionally whenever you ‘piss him off’.

Please, please, please Anna… listen to your gut. Call off the wedding. Clear your stuff out (preferably with a stocky male friend or two in attendance) and RUN (preferably to a swanky security-tight apartment). Your only response to any texts or emails pleading for your forgiveness should be a list of counsellors specialising in anger management.

Love, reality chick

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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).


  1. Anonymous 11 years ago

    Anna. Please get out of this relationship. My mother was in exactly the same situation when she was engaged to my father, and what followed was twenty years of escalating violence, witnessed by me and my siblings on many occasions. I've read a lot about domestic violence, and shoving is much more likely to escalate into punching (and worse) in times of stress than to transform into rational responses. There are plenty of guys who know how to treat women appropriately, and you deserve to be with someone much more in control of his emotions, especially when it comes time for you to have children.

  2. reality chick 11 years ago

    Hey guys, I found a fact sheet about abusive relationships and warning signs, for anyone who wants to read more about this:

    Has anyone else been in this situation, or worse? And if so, how did you handle it?

  3. Anonymous 11 years ago

    I agree with Mind Advantage, Anna should get counselling. Two of my exes used to shove me, too. It's funny and even a bit sick how you can kid yourself that it's not physical abuse when it actually is. I remember back then thinking it was NOT ok, but it wasn't like they were slapping me round so I felt stupid leaving simple because someone shoved me onto a bed or something, when we were having a fight. Someone pushing or shoving you in anger is just not supposed to happen in a healthy relationship. AnD I've heard of people where it did become more so getting out now is really the only option.

  4. Mind Advantage 11 years ago

    I agree with RC, it's time to listen to your gut (your instincts are ALWAYS right) and make plans to leave this relationship.

    I understand that making that sort of decision is huge and hugely emotional, so consider getting some counselling now to help clarify the situation for yourself. Continue with counselling after you leave, as despite knowing in your heart that he's not good for you (and is only getting worse), you may experience a rollercoaster of emotions and having neutral support there could be a godsend.

    Good for you for actually acknowledging there's a problem – when you say it out loud it makes it real, and a lot harder to ignore.

    Best of luck to you!

  5. Anonymous 11 years ago

    Amen to that. And that photo was back in Julia Roberts big hair days. Scary movie.

  6. Anonymous 11 years ago

    I agree. It's sad especially if you're engaged because you believed your life was going to go one way, and you probably had huge hopes for your future together. But I speak from experience in saying you're better off out of an abusive relationship or one that has the potential to become that.

  7. MacDaddy 11 years ago

    Tough love RC, but so spot on. No man should 'shove' or indimidate their girlfriend. Anna should WALK before this simmering pot of anger boils over.

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