My girlfriend won’t have sex in public and it’s driving me nuts

My girlfriend won’t have sex in public and it’s driving me nuts

"My girlfriend won't have sex in public and it's driving me nuts"

My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. We’re both in our 40’s, things are great and she seems sincere when she says that her best sex has been with me. The only thing is, when I suggest that we have sex in a public or risky place, 99 percent of the time she comes up with a reason as to why it is too risky or why she does not want to do it.

However, she recently told me, while drunk, about eight different times when she had sex in public or in risky places. This makes me feel she’s not as sexually attracted to me as she was with those other guys. If I talk to her about it, I believe she’ll view me as insecure and won’t tell me anything about her past ever again. I’m sick about it; please help. Frustrated In Texas

After writing this column for years, I have come to several conclusions, Texas, and one of them is that few people find all the sordid details about their partner’s past a major turn-on. And yet, so many letters I get are from people who’ve over-shared with their current partner about how they used to do XYZ with every Tom, Dick and Harriet (or vice versa) and it’s causing problems. No, really?!

I wrote a column about what should remain unsaid when you’re dating and there’s advice in there for anyone (yes, I’m looking at your girlfriend) who overshares. Especially when it comes to stuff you once did but won’t do now. Because telling your partner those things – especially if you’d never in your right mind do a threesome these days or go down on someone at a festival – is not cool. Of course you’re wondering and comparing her wild and crazy past sex life to the sex you have now – and as I’ve seen too many times before, it can leave relationships in pretty serious damage control mode.

I know some readers may be thinking, ‘Huh? We talk about everything and our sex life is rocking’ and to them I say great. Some couples can have those conversations. Others can’t. So figure out which camp you sit in and be smart about what you share. A little mystery is a good thing.

Oh, and your girlfriend says the best sex she’s ever had has been with you. A lovely compliment. So believe her. Don’t spiral with paranoia about how she’s not as sexually attracted to you because she won’t do the deed in the great outdoors. Because it’s bullshit. People change. Their desires change. Maybe your sex life is the best she’s ever had because there’s deep feeling and love there; and that means a heck of lot more to her than whether you’re doing it on a beach or a mountain-top.

Love, reality chick


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Freelance journo, blogger, self-appointed advice-giver and co-author of Get Lucky. If you've got a dating or relationship issue, feel free to ask a question. (PS. You can also find me at The Mama Files and Letter To My Ex).

4 Comments

  1. Oh Come On 5 years ago

    I feel for the guy. I think his girlfriend is being a bit of a tease. There are sexual things I did in my past that would make my boyfriend sit up and take notice but most I’m not into anymore, so I’m not about to fess up. Apart from dreading the exact situation above, I think it’s just mean holding out that carrot then snatching it away.

    • bron 5 years ago

      to be fair, he was asking for it long before knowing it was something she had done in the past. Therefore she wasn’t dangling the carrot…he was, however, asking for it to be dangled…in public
      It’s no different to one of them having taken drugs when they were young and stupid, and being expected to do it again now when they know better.

  2. bron 5 years ago

    Well maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t want to …because she doesn’t want to? Because she’s grown up and realised that it wasn’t a good idea? Because she’s got a great job/friends etc and she doesn’t fancy appearing in court on an indecency charge or similar and risking all that? Because she feels like she’s being pressured into it and that is the absolute last reason for having sex in public or somewhere risky. Because, reasons.

    Get over it. She’s said no. No means no. Sounds like you have a great relationship except for this, and only you have a problem with it. Life’s too short to get your knickers in a twist over something like this.

    • bron 5 years ago

      Oh and as someone else just pointed out to me.
      Because maybe back when she did, there weren’t security cameras around everywhere, and everyone didn’t have mobile phones that they use to record everything and upload to youtube!

      A little common sense and a lot less ego thanks.

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