My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. We’re both in our 40’s, things are great and she seems sincere when she says that her best sex has been with me. The only thing is, when I suggest that we have sex in a public or risky place, 99 percent of the time she comes up with a reason as to why it is too risky or why she does not want to do it.
However, she recently told me, while drunk, about eight different times when she had sex in public or in risky places. This makes me feel she’s not as sexually attracted to me as she was with those other guys. If I talk to her about it, I believe she’ll view me as insecure and won’t tell me anything about her past ever again. I’m sick about it; please help. Frustrated In Texas
After writing this column for years, I have come to several conclusions, Texas, and one of them is that few people find all the sordid details about their partner’s past a major turn-on. And yet, so many letters I get are from people who’ve over-shared with their current partner about how they used to do XYZ with every Tom, Dick and Harriet (or vice versa) and it’s causing problems. No, really?!
I wrote a column about what should remain unsaid when you’re dating and there’s advice in there for anyone (yes, I’m looking at your girlfriend) who overshares. Especially when it comes to stuff you once did but won’t do now. Because telling your partner those things – especially if you’d never in your right mind do a threesome these days or go down on someone at a festival – is not cool. Of course you’re wondering and comparing her wild and crazy past sex life to the sex you have now – and as I’ve seen too many times before, it can leave relationships in pretty serious damage control mode.
I know some readers may be thinking, ‘Huh? We talk about everything and our sex life is rocking’ and to them I say great. Some couples can have those conversations. Others can’t. So figure out which camp you sit in and be smart about what you share. A little mystery is a good thing.
Oh, and your girlfriend says the best sex she’s ever had has been with you. A lovely compliment. So believe her. Don’t spiral with paranoia about how she’s not as sexually attracted to you because she won’t do the deed in the great outdoors. Because it’s bullshit. People change. Their desires change. Maybe your sex life is the best she’s ever had because there’s deep feeling and love there; and that means a heck of lot more to her than whether you’re doing it on a beach or a mountain-top.
Love, reality chick